An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 50

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 50

¹ Joseph threw himself upon his father and wept over him and kissed him. ² Then Joseph directed the physicians in his service to embalm his father Israel. So the physicians embalmed him, ³ taking a full forty days, for that was the time required for embalming. And the Egyptians mourned for him seventy days.

Damn, people were slow in that time.

⁴ When the days of mourning had passed, Joseph said to Pharaoh's court, "If I have found favor in your eyes, speak to Pharaoh for me. Tell him, ⁵ 'My father made me swear an oath and said, "I am about to die; bury me in the tomb I dug for myself in the land of Canaan." Now let me go up and bury my father; then I will return.' "

Man people have a hard time talking freely in this book. Do you always have to repeat yourself by saying things like: "If I have found favor in your eyes, speak to Pharaoh for me."

⁶ Pharaoh said, "Go up and bury your father, as he made you swear to do."

Pharaoh being his generous self as usual.

⁷ So Joseph went up to bury his father. All Pharaoh's officials accompanied him—the dignitaries of his court and all the dignitaries of Egypt- ⁸ besides all the members of Joseph's household and his brothers and those belonging to his father's household. Only their children and their flocks and herds were left in Goshen. ⁹ Chariots and horsemen ^[a] also went up with him. It was a very large company.

Kind of weird considering that Egyptians find Hebrews detestable.

¹⁰ When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father. ¹¹ When the Canaanites who lived there saw the mourning at the threshing floor of Atad, they said, "The Egyptians are holding a solemn ceremony of mourning." That is why that place near the Jordan is called Abel Mizraim. ^[b]

Return of the obsession with the number 7. Hasn't he already mourned already? His father must stink by now.

¹² So Jacob's sons did as he had commanded them: ¹³ They carried him to the land of Canaan and buried him in the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre, which Abraham had bought as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite, along with the field. ¹⁴ After burying his father, Joseph returned to Egypt, together with his brothers and all the others who had gone with him to bury his father.

So everything has been pretty normal so far, about as normal as can be in the Bible.

Joseph Reassures His Brothers

¹⁵ When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?" ¹⁶ So they sent word to Joseph, saying, "Your father left these instructions before he died: ¹⁷ 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.

Did he look like a guy who would punish them anyway? And he's so gullible I can't believe it. I think we're back to the theme of criticizing believers, who also are gullible.

¹⁸ His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. "We are your slaves," they said.

Good old tradition of slavery continuing.

¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Yeah that's how messed up things are when you believe in this shit. When you believe that everything has a purpose attributed by God. I bet Christians would gladly nail Jesus to the cross if nobody had done it. Something is not a sin when God wills it. That's some pretty fucked up shit!

The Death of Joseph

²² Joseph stayed in Egypt, along with all his father's family. He lived a hundred and ten years ²³ and saw the third generation of Ephraim's children. Also the children of Makir son of Manasseh were placed at birth on Joseph's knees. ^[c]

Of course, another promise that God won't respect. Joseph was supposed to get out of Egypt, but he will die in Egypt it seems.

²⁴ Then Joseph said to his brothers, "I am about to die. But God will surely come to your aid and take you up out of this land to the land he promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." ²⁵ And Joseph made the sons of Israel swear an oath and said, "God will surely come to your aid, and then you must carry my bones up from this place."

Did they touch his testicles too? I always find it funny how people always believe that God will fulfill his promises with proof to the contrary.

²⁶ So Joseph died at the age of a hundred and ten. And after they embalmed him, he was placed in a coffin in Egypt.

Is he buried in Egypt then? If so, his brothers are douche for not respecting him, but what does he care anyway? He's dead! And THAT, was the end of Genesis. See you next in Exodus, which I hope will be less boring.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 50:9 Or charioteers
b. Genesis 50:11 Abel Mizraim means mourning of the Egyptians .
c. Genesis 50:23 That is, were counted as his

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 49

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 49

Jacob Blesses His Sons

¹ Then Jacob called for his sons and said: "Gather around so I can tell you what will happen to you in days to come.

Isn't life boring when you know what's going to happen?

² "Assemble and listen, sons of Jacob;
listen to your father Israel.

Or Jacob; I'm not quite decided on what my final dying name will be yet.

³ "Reuben, you are my firstborn,
my might, the first sign of my strength,
excelling in honor, excelling in power.

He is?

⁴ Turbulent as the waters, you will no longer excel,
for you went up onto your father's bed,
onto my couch and defiled it.

Oh yeah that's true, he was the guy who slept with his father's concubine. So his punition had to wait all these years and it is that he shall no longer "excel"? Big deal!

⁵ "Simeon and Levi are brothers—
their swords ^[a] are weapons of violence.

Swords are rarely anything else you know.

⁶ Let me not enter their council,
let me not join their assembly,
for they have killed men in their anger
and hamstrung oxen as they pleased.

I'd guess that killing men is a worse offense than the fact that they hamstrung oxen. God's punition earlier for shedding blood was supposed to be that your blood would be shed too. The punition here: I don't know, they're like not approved of by their father or some shit like that. Big deal!

⁷ Cursed be their anger, so fierce,
and their fury, so cruel!
I will scatter them in Jacob
and disperse them in Israel.

WTF does that mean? Scatter them in Jacob and disperse them in Israel? Both of his names are already fucked up enough as it is, I'm not touching that territory again.

⁸ "Judah, ^[b] your brothers will praise you;
your hand will be on the neck of your enemies;
your father's sons will bow down to you.

OK, but why?

⁹ You are a lion's cub, O Judah;
you return from the prey, my son.
Like a lion he crouches and lies down,
like a lioness—who dares to rouse him?

Man, that's... weird...

¹⁰ The scepter will not depart from Judah,
nor the ruler's staff from between his feet,
until he comes to whom it belongs ^[c]
and the obedience of the nations is his.

So Judah is the rightful king until the true king of the Hebrews comes. Now who would that be? Jesus? We'll have to wait to find out.

¹¹ He will tether his donkey to a vine,
his colt to the choicest branch;
he will wash his garments in wine,
his robes in the blood of grapes.

Washing your clothes in wine? Now is that talking about Judah or the rightful heir to the throne (potentially Jesus)? Whoever it is, the guy must be drunk all day.

¹² His eyes will be darker than wine,
his teeth whiter than milk. ^[d]

Sounds scary actually. I'm going to steal a single line from the Skeptic's Annotated Bible; I hope they don't mind too much: "Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much?"

¹³ "Zebulun will live by the seashore
and become a haven for ships;
his border will extend toward Sidon.

Zebulun becomes a haven for ships? I hope I never become an object or place myself, I'm already big enough.

¹⁴ "Issachar is a rawboned ^[e] donkey
lying down between two saddlebags. ^[f]

Hey, watch your language! That's not how one speaks of his sons.

¹⁵ When he sees how good is his resting place
and how pleasant is his land,
he will bend his shoulder to the burden
and submit to forced labor.

Oh he was dumb then!

¹⁶ "Dan ^[g] will provide justice for his people
as one of the tribes of Israel.

What is he? Some kind of police officer or something?

¹⁷ Dan will be a serpent by the roadside,
a viper along the path,
that bites the horse's heels
so that its rider tumbles backward.

And is there a reason why we're describing what is a good guy, I think, with such words?

¹⁸ "I look for your deliverance, O LORD.

Just kill him already. I liked him better when he was young. He was quite the jerk, but at least he was not weak and boring.

¹⁹ "Gad ^[h] will be attacked by a band of raiders,
but he will attack them at their heels.

Hey we need more details. Like when is the attack? But seriously, it's kind of sad isn't it? Gad's life is summed up by knowing that he will be attacked and he will strike back, the end.

²⁰ "Asher's food will be rich;
he will provide delicacies fit for a king.

I myself can't cook to save my own life. I'm not being funny or speaking in a character's place, I mean really I'm not able to cook anything. I hope that's not what defines my life though.

²¹ "Naphtali is a doe set free
that bears beautiful fawns. ^[i]

So he'll be some kind of poet then?

²² "Joseph is a fruitful vine,
a fruitful vine near a spring,
whose branches climb over a wall. ^[j]

Literally, the guy's a fruit!

²³ With bitterness archers attacked him;
they shot at him with hostility.

Say, Jacob never learned how Joseph survived, did he?

²⁴ But his bow remained steady,
his strong arms stayed ^[k] limber,
because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob,
because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel,

How can so many words mean close to nothing?

²⁵ because of your father's God, who helps you,
because of the Almighty, ^[l] who blesses you
with blessings of the heavens above,
blessings of the deep that lies below,
blessings of the breast and womb.

Blessings all around, just finish your speech already.

²⁶ Your father's blessings are greater
than the blessings of the ancient mountains,
than ^[m] the bounty of the age-old hills.
Let all these rest on the head of Joseph,
on the brow of the prince among ^[n] his brothers.

You're putting quite a lot of responsibility in the hands of the guy. He might crack under pressure.

²⁷ "Benjamin is a ravenous wolf;
in the morning he devours the prey,
in the evening he divides the plunder."

So he's... good? I'm not seeing everything in black and white, like the good guy on this side and bad guy on this side, that's exactly the kind of moral I'm against. I just want to honestly know what the Bible means when it talks about someone like that. Are these good qualities to have?

²⁸ All these are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father said to them when he blessed them, giving each the blessing appropriate to him.

My question is: how does he make these choices? Like how do you decide that one of them becomes a good cook? This might not shock anyone, but I don't believe in destiny. I believe that the events surrounding your birth and how you develop inside the womb are random, that natural catastrophes are sometimes unpredictable, but that only your reactions to whatever random thing that happens are already determined by how you developed. So I guess maybe my perspective of things is not completely incompatible with destiny, except for the random nature of things surrounding you, which is why I don't think what I described is predictable and it certainly isn't written anywhere.

The Death of Jacob

²⁹ Then he gave them these instructions: "I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite, ³⁰ the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre in Canaan, which Abraham bought as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite, along with the field. ³¹ There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried, there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried, and there I buried Leah. ³² The field and the cave in it were bought from the Hittites. ^[o] "

You know, from a few occurrences in these chapters so far, it doesn't seem like people think they go to heaven with God when they die. It just seems like they're satisfied with being buried with their ancestors. It's more like how they will be remembered than how they'll continue their life after death. In a way, I respect that a bit more. It's healthier in my opinion.

³³ When Jacob had finished giving instructions to his sons, he drew his feet up into the bed, breathed his last and was gathered to his people.

He didn't seem like such an ill guy if he could speak all those words clearly, but that's just what I think...

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 49:5 The meaning of the Hebrew for this word is uncertain.
b. Genesis 49:8 Judah sounds like and may be derived from the Hebrew for praise .
c. Genesis 49:10 Or until Shiloh comes ; or until he comes to whom tribute belongs
d. Genesis 49:12 Or will be dull from wine, / his teeth white from milk
e. Genesis 49:14 Or strong
f. Genesis 49:14 Or campfires
g. Genesis 49:16 Dan here means he provides justice .
h. Genesis 49:19 Gad can mean attack and band of raiders .
i. Genesis 49:21 Or free; / he utters beautiful words
j. Genesis 49:22 Or Joseph is a wild colt, / a wild colt near a spring, / a wild donkey on a terraced hill
k. Genesis 49:24 Or archers will attack ? will shoot ? will remain ? will stay
l. Genesis 49:25 Hebrew Shaddai
m. Genesis 49:26 Or of my progenitors, / as great as
n. Genesis 49:26 Or the one separated from
o. Genesis 49:32 Or the sons of Heth

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 48

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 48

Manasseh and Ephraim

¹ Some time later Joseph was told, "Your father is ill." So he took his two sons Manasseh and Ephraim along with him. ² When Jacob was told, "Your son Joseph has come to you," Israel rallied his strength and sat up on the bed.

He's called Jacob and Israel in the same fucking sentence.

³ Jacob said to Joseph, "God Almighty ^[a] appeared to me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and there he blessed me ⁴ and said to me, 'I am going to make you fruitful and will increase your numbers. I will make you a community of peoples, and I will give this land as an everlasting possession to your descendants after you.'

I don't see why God has more reason to keep this promise than any other (and in fact he won't).

⁵ "Now then, your two sons born to you in Egypt before I came to you here will be reckoned as mine; Ephraim and Manasseh will be mine, just as Reuben and Simeon are mine. ⁶ Any children born to you after them will be yours; in the territory they inherit they will be reckoned under the names of their brothers. ⁷ As I was returning from Paddan, ^[b] to my sorrow Rachel died in the land of Canaan while we were still on the way, a little distance from Ephrath. So I buried her there beside the road to Ephrath" (that is, Bethlehem).

The flow of his speech is not quite so natural.

⁸ When Israel saw the sons of Joseph, he asked, "Who are these?"

Don't tell me Joseph had never shown his sons to his father in all those years?

⁹ "They are the sons God has given me here," Joseph said to his father.
Then Israel said, "Bring them to me so I may bless them."

Jacob knows quite a bit about blessing. In fact, he stole his brother Esau's blessing. Hey, now that I think about it, what happened to the guy? I always understood that he's kill Israel or something. Of course, that was not God's words directly, but Isaac's and the man was chosen by God, so I guess that counts.

¹⁰ Now Israel's eyes were failing because of old age, and he could hardly see. So Joseph brought his sons close to him, and his father kissed them and embraced them.

I hope I'm not getting ready for another repetition of "old guy that can see nothing blesses the wrong guy".

¹¹ Israel said to Joseph, "I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children too."

Man, he's really speaking as if it was not a long time since his arrival in this region. He's been there for years and has seen Joseph's face years ago, but never his grandsons?

¹² Then Joseph removed them from Israel's knees and bowed down with his face to the ground. ¹³ And Joseph took both of them, Ephraim on his right toward Israel's left hand and Manasseh on his left toward Israel's right hand, and brought them close to him. ¹⁴ But Israel reached out his right hand and put it on Ephraim's head, though he was the younger, and crossing his arms, he put his left hand on Manasseh's head, even though Manasseh was the firstborn.

I'm sorry, but we don't have these customs anymore. Is there some meaning to how you're supposed to hold them, with a particular hand, according to their age? Is that passage even supposed to be important?

¹⁵ Then he blessed Joseph and said,
"May the God before whom my fathers
Abraham and Isaac walked,
the God who has been my shepherd
all my life to this day,

The God with whom I wrestled, the God who has lied many times.

¹⁶ the Angel who has delivered me from all harm
—may he bless these boys.
May they be called by my name
and the names of my fathers Abraham and Isaac,
and may they increase greatly
upon the earth."

Well you can't force him, promise or not. If he has time, he'll think about it maybe.

¹⁷ When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim's head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father's hand to move it from Ephraim's head to Manasseh's head. ¹⁸ Joseph said to him, "No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head."

Oh great, maybe now they'll explain what that fucking means.

¹⁹ But his father refused and said, "I know, my son, I know. He too will become a people, and he too will become great. Nevertheless, his younger brother will be greater than he, and his descendants will become a group of nations." ²⁰ He blessed them that day and said,
"In your ^[c] name will Israel pronounce this blessing:
'May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.' "
So he put Ephraim ahead of Manasseh.

From what I understand, I think he's blessing one more than the other, but I might be wrong. What a strange thing to do.

²¹ Then Israel said to Joseph, "I am about to die, but God will be with you ^[d] and take you ^[e] back to the land of your ^[f] fathers. ²² And to you, as one who is over your brothers, I give the ridge of land ^[g] I took from the Amorites with my sword and my bow."

May he die soon enough. (How many chapter can an ill old man live through?) I really don't understand how the man can trust God to keep his promise for others when he didn't keep his direct promise to him.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 48:3 Hebrew El-Shaddai
b. Genesis 48:7 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
c. Genesis 48:20 The Hebrew is singular.
d. Genesis 48:21 The Hebrew is plural.
e. Genesis 48:21 The Hebrew is plural.
f. Genesis 48:21 The Hebrew is plural.
g. Genesis 48:22 Or And to you I give one portion more than to your brothers-the portion

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 47

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 47

¹ Joseph went and told Pharaoh, "My father and brothers, with their flocks and herds and everything they own, have come from the land of Canaan and are now in Goshen." ² He chose five of his brothers and presented them before Pharaoh.

And here I thought Pharaoh would like to know all of his people, not only 5 of them, but this is a minor complaint only.

³ Pharaoh asked the brothers, "What is your occupation?"
"Your servants are shepherds," they replied to Pharaoh, "just as our fathers were." ⁴ They also said to him, "We have come to live here awhile, because the famine is severe in Canaan and your servants' flocks have no pasture. So now, please let your servants settle in Goshen."

All seems to go according to plan so far. I was sure that there would be a dumb brother who would fail to lie correctly.

⁵ Pharaoh said to Joseph, "Your father and your brothers have come to you, ⁶ and the land of Egypt is before you; settle your father and your brothers in the best part of the land. Let them live in Goshen. And if you know of any among them with special ability, put them in charge of my own livestock."

Yeah actually, wouldn't that be better to be Pharaoh's own personal shepherd? (I guess Egyptians find shepherds detestable, but still need them.)

⁷ Then Joseph brought his father Jacob in and presented him before Pharaoh. After Jacob blessed ^[a] Pharaoh, ⁸ Pharaoh asked him, "How old are you?"

All I can say is much older than believable.

⁹ And Jacob said to Pharaoh, "The years of my pilgrimage are a hundred and thirty. My years have been few and difficult, and they do not equal the years of the pilgrimage of my fathers." ¹⁰ Then Jacob blessed ^[b] Pharaoh and went out from his presence.

Am I getting some acknowledgement from Jacob himself that he doesn't live as old as his ancestors? Cool! Now here's an interesting fact. According to the footnotes, "blessed" could be interpreted as "said farewell too" here. I'm beginning to think this "blessed" shit doesn't mean much more than that actually. It finally all makes sense to me (not the Bible though).

¹¹ So Joseph settled his father and his brothers in Egypt and gave them property in the best part of the land, the district of Rameses, as Pharaoh directed. ¹² Joseph also provided his father and his brothers and all his father's household with food, according to the number of their children.

I'm still surprised that Pharaoh has been so generous to Hebrews, even letting one of them have nearly as much authority (or more) than him. It doesn't seem likely that's all, God or not.

Joseph and the Famine

¹³ There was no food, however, in the whole region because the famine was severe; both Egypt and Canaan wasted away because of the famine. ¹⁴ Joseph collected all the money that was to be found in Egypt and Canaan in payment for the grain they were buying, and he brought it to Pharaoh's palace. ¹⁵ When the money of the people of Egypt and Canaan was gone, all Egypt came to Joseph and said, "Give us food. Why should we die before your eyes? Our money is used up."

I guess even when the LORD is behind your administration, there could still be some flaws.

¹⁶ "Then bring your livestock," said Joseph. "I will sell you food in exchange for your livestock, since your money is gone." ¹⁷ So they brought their livestock to Joseph, and he gave them food in exchange for their horses, their sheep and goats, their cattle and donkeys. And he brought them through that year with food in exchange for all their livestock.

Anyway, the famine was a dumb uncalled for idea in the first place. How did God think the people would live through that?

¹⁸ When that year was over, they came to him the following year and said, "We cannot hide from our lord the fact that since our money is gone and our livestock belongs to you, there is nothing left for our lord except our bodies and our land. ¹⁹ Why should we perish before your eyes—we and our land as well? Buy us and our land in exchange for food, and we with our land will be in bondage to Pharaoh. Give us seed so that we may live and not die, and that the land may not become desolate."

Oh my God! This whole famine thing is beginning to look like a huge plan to make everyone a slave to Joseph or Pharaoh at least. That's just evil.

²⁰ So Joseph bought all the land in Egypt for Pharaoh. The Egyptians, one and all, sold their fields, because the famine was too severe for them. The land became Pharaoh's, ²¹ and Joseph reduced the people to servitude, ^[c] from one end of Egypt to the other. ²² However, he did not buy the land of the priests, because they received a regular allotment from Pharaoh and had food enough from the allotment Pharaoh gave them. That is why they did not sell their land.

Of course, how could one live through this crisis without priests. Actually...

²³ Joseph said to the people, "Now that I have bought you and your land today for Pharaoh, here is seed for you so you can plant the ground. ²⁴ But when the crop comes in, give a fifth of it to Pharaoh. The other four-fifths you may keep as seed for the fields and as food for yourselves and your households and your children."

Well OK, it doesn't seem too bad right now. In fact, it looks like how our governments work (except that maybe they'll get no benefits from giving this to Pharaoh while we get some public services).

²⁵ "You have saved our lives," they said. "May we find favor in the eyes of our lord; we will be in bondage to Pharaoh."

The less bondage there is, the better OK?

²⁶ So Joseph established it as a law concerning land in Egypt—still in force today—that a fifth of the produce belongs to Pharaoh. It was only the land of the priests that did not become Pharaoh's.

Except of course for the fact that there are no pharaohs anymore. The Bible describes these things and laws that don't apply anymore, which is normal for a book that old; so my question is: why are you people trying to say that this book, evil book I would add, should still dictate our ways of life?

²⁷ Now the Israelites settled in Egypt in the region of Goshen. They acquired property there and were fruitful and increased greatly in number.

But they're bonded to Pharaoh too I guess. That would be the downside.

²⁸ Jacob lived in Egypt seventeen years, and the years of his life were a hundred and forty-seven. ²⁹ When the time drew near for Israel to die, he called for his son Joseph and said to him, "If I have found favor in your eyes, put your hand under my thigh and promise that you will show me kindness and faithfulness. Do not bury me in Egypt, ³⁰ but when I rest with my fathers, carry me out of Egypt and bury me where they are buried."
"I will do as you say," he said.

"Jacob lived in Egypt seventeen years, and the years of his life were a hundred and forty-seven.": but God promised that he would get Jacob out of Egypt eventually. I guess it's not a lie when you just omit some information, such as you'll get out of Egypt, but you'll be dead. "If I have found favor in your eyes, put your hand under my thigh and promise that you will show me kindness and faithfulness." oh I did not want to hear that. I hope I never get to touch my father's testicles!

³¹ "Swear to me," he said. Then Joseph swore to him, and Israel worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff. ^[d]

Israel worships the God who couldn't keep his promise before dying, that's quite something. Well actually for some reason the book introduces this passage as if he was dying in the next few verses, but I believe he still has some shit to do for a chapter or more.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 47:7 Or greeted
b. Genesis 47:10 Or said farewell to
c. Genesis 47:21 Samaritan Pentateuch and Septuagint (see also Vulgate Masoretic Text and he moved the people into the cities
d. Genesis 47:31 Or Israel bowed down at the head of his bed

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 46

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 46

Jacob Goes to Egypt

¹ So Israel set out with all that was his, and when he reached Beersheba, he offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac.

Of course...

² And God spoke to Israel in a vision at night and said, "Jacob! Jacob!"
"Here I am," he replied.

How come he's the only guy whose name is not set in stone once there has been a name change? And of course, once again God appears very late (or in a dream).

³ "I am God, the God of your father," he said. "Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you into a great nation there. ⁴ I will go down to Egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again. And Joseph's own hand will close your eyes."

"And Joseph's own hand will close your eyes.": that's... comforting?

⁵ Then Jacob left Beersheba, and Israel's sons took their father Jacob and their children and their wives in the carts that Pharaoh had sent to transport him. ⁶ They also took with them their livestock and the possessions they had acquired in Canaan, and Jacob and all his offspring went to Egypt. ⁷ He took with him to Egypt his sons and grandsons and his daughters and granddaughters—all his offspring.

I wonder how well a bunch of Hebrews will blend in Egypt considering that eating along with them is detestable. (You've got to wonder how Joseph was accepted as a leader there, even if the LORD is with him.)

⁸ These are the names of the sons of Israel (Jacob and his descendants) who went to Egypt:
Reuben the firstborn of Jacob.

Here we go.

⁹ The sons of Reuben:
Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron and Carmi.

So it would seem Reuben had the time to get his wife pregnant twice (unless she had twins) between the first time they came back from Egypt and now. Not only pregnant, but she had the time to deliver two entirely new sons to him. I say that because the first time, Reuben said to his father that BOTH of his sons could be killed if he didn't bring Benjamin back to safety, yet we learn that he has 4 sons now.

¹⁰ The sons of Simeon:
Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jakin, Zohar and Shaul the son of a Canaanite woman.

Saying that one of them is the son of a Canaanite woman is like a pure American saying: my sons are Brad, William and Raj, the son of an Indian woman. Does it look racist to you?

¹¹ The sons of Levi:
Gershon, Kohath and Merari.

What a coincidence! Gershon is the name of the man who composed a song I really like, Popcorn by Gershon Kingsley.

¹² The sons of Judah:
Er, Onan, Shelah, Perez and Zerah (but Er and Onan had died in the land of Canaan).
The sons of Perez:
Hezron and Hamul.

"Er, Onan, Shelah, Perez and Zerah (but Er and Onan had died in the land of Canaan).": yeah it was quite funny, yet uncalled for.

¹³ The sons of Issachar:
Tola, Puah, ^[a] Jashub ^[b] and Shimron.

Hahaha, Puah is just like an interjection we use in French (I'm not quite sure if you use it in English) when something doesn't taste good or smells bad.

¹⁴ The sons of Zebulun:
Sered, Elon and Jahleel.

Don't talk me about any man called something close to Zebulun or Anah ever again...

¹⁵ These were the sons Leah bore to Jacob in Paddan Aram, ^[c] besides his daughter Dinah. These sons and daughters of his were thirty-three in all.

Well technically the sons of his sons are not directly his, they're his grandsons. But this number, 33, which is accurate if you count all these names (except those that are dead), means that the problem is not just that they don't mention the daughters being born. There literally are more than 10 times as many men born as women (only 1 out 33 people were females in this case). It's hard to believe that the man is so unlucky as to only get boys with a high number of children such as 33, especially with our real world statistics which give less than twice as many boys as girls being born each year.

¹⁶ The sons of Gad:
Zephon, ^[d] Haggi, Shuni, Ezbon, Eri, Arodi and Areli.

Oh how glad I am that Gad was born! Also known as the lamest joke I ever did...

¹⁷ The sons of Asher:
Imnah, Ishvah, Ishvi and Beriah.
Their sister was Serah.
The sons of Beriah:
Heber and Malkiel.

I know there are not so many girls born, but they could just say "The children of ...:" instead of "The sons of ...:". No, let me retract my comment. I was just thinking that there had been a man named Anah and a woman named Anah earlier, so it would be more confusing actually.

¹⁸ These were the children born to Jacob by Zilpah, whom Laban had given to his daughter Leah—sixteen in all.

I mentioned this in some chapter, but it seems strange to me that the women in this book actually don't produce as many children as our grandmothers did (well some of them anyway). I'm not saying they should, but considering that God wants everybody to be fruitful and multiply and considering that they had very limited means of contraception at the time, I'd assume that a single woman would be able and likely to produce 16 children on her own, not only through her children's children.

¹⁹ The sons of Jacob's wife Rachel:
Joseph and Benjamin. ²⁰ In Egypt, Manasseh and Ephraim were born to Joseph by Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On. ^[e]

It does make sense that Joseph could have two children unlike his brother Reuben. He married his wife Asenath when the 7 years of abundance began and we know that at least 2 years of famine have already passed at this point.

²¹ The sons of Benjamin:
Bela, Beker, Ashbel, Gera, Naaman, Ehi, Rosh, Muppim, Huppim and Ard.

Goddamn! Benjamin was supposed to be young, like I pictured him as a child. Even if 2 years had passed since then, you want me to believe that he had 10 children all of a sudden? The only way that could happen is if he was on the edge of puberty and to get that many children in such a short lapse of time would require many wives/concubines and/or many twins (or triplets or more).

²² These were the sons of Rachel who were born to Jacob—fourteen in all.

14 only because Benjamin is the most virile child I ever heard of.

²³ The son of Dan:
Hushim.

Dan sucks!

²⁴ The sons of Naphtali:
Jahziel, Guni, Jezer and Shillem.

In fact, not only is Benjamin a father at such a young age, but he's the most prolific father of them all not that we know of all the children that were produced by Jacob's sons.

²⁵ These were the sons born to Jacob by Bilhah, whom Laban had given to his daughter Rachel—seven in all.

Yeah, Rachel might have been the woman Jacob liked most, but she was not a good deal in retrospect. Even her slave is less capable than Leah's. (Well, they both produce only two direct sons to Jacob, but Leah's slave's sons produce more children.)

²⁶ All those who went to Egypt with Jacob—those who were his direct descendants, not counting his sons' wives—numbered sixty-six persons. ²⁷ With the two sons ^[f] who had been born to Joseph in Egypt, the members of Jacob's family, which went to Egypt, were seventy ^[g] in all.

Women suck so much in this book that they don't want to bother informing you about them, it's quite funny actually, but also sad... (Maybe the book itself was ashamed of mentioning how many wives everyone had.) If you go one step beyond and actually count the descendants of Jacob, you'll see that removing Joseph and his two sons gives you 67 descendants, not 66. Don't count this as a mistake though, because they precise that 66 is the number of descendants who go to Egypt with Jacob and according to the next verse we have to remove Judah from this count who goes to Egypt before the rest of the group.

²⁸ Now Jacob sent Judah ahead of him to Joseph to get directions to Goshen. When they arrived in the region of Goshen, ²⁹ Joseph had his chariot made ready and went to Goshen to meet his father Israel. As soon as Joseph appeared before him, he threw his arms around his father ^[h] and wept for a long time.

That's a pretty natural reaction. Sometimes the Bible is realistic and depicts human behavior in a normal way.

³⁰ Israel said to Joseph, "Now I am ready to die, since I have seen for myself that you are still alive."

Spending some time with him would still be nice you know?

³¹ Then Joseph said to his brothers and to his father's household, "I will go up and speak to Pharaoh and will say to him, 'My brothers and my father's household, who were living in the land of Canaan, have come to me. ³² The men are shepherds; they tend livestock, and they have brought along their flocks and herds and everything they own.' ³³ When Pharaoh calls you in and asks, 'What is your occupation?' ³⁴ you should answer, 'Your servants have tended livestock from our boyhood on, just as our fathers did.' Then you will be allowed to settle in the region of Goshen, for all shepherds are detestable to the Egyptians."

Man, the Egyptians are all about hate. They're beginning to look like God. So if I understand correctly, Joseph is asking them to lie. So reading the Bible, I've reached the conclusion that it recognizes that there are some situations where lying is good. For instance people lie all the time in this!

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 46:13 Samaritan Pentateuch and Syriac (see also 1 Chron. 7:1 Masoretic Text Puvah
b. Genesis 46:13 Samaritan Pentateuch and some Septuagint manuscripts (see also Num. 26:24 and 1 Chron. 7:1 Masoretic Text Iob
c. Genesis 46:15 That is, Northwest Mesopotamia
d. Genesis 46:16 Samaritan Pentateuch and Septuagint (see also Num.26:15 Masoretic Text Ziphion
e. Genesis 46:20 That is, Heliopolis
f. Genesis 46:27 Hebrew; Septuagint the nine children
g. Genesis 46:27 Hebrew (see also Exodus 1:5 and footnote Septuagint (see also Acts 7:14) seventy-five
h. Genesis 46:29 Hebrew around him

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 45

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 45

Joseph Makes Himself Known

¹ Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, "Have everyone leave my presence!" So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. ² And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh's household heard about it.

One has to wonder just what was his plan from the beginning.

³ Joseph said to his brothers, "I am Joseph! Is my father still living?" But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.

You dumb fuck. Of course your father is still living, they just told you about him and how he was extremely worried.

⁴ Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! ⁵ And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. ⁶ For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. ⁷ But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. ^[a]

So selling him as a slave was necessary evil you would say. In our real world though, when a child is raped and murdered, it's very hard to think about necessary evil. Especially since God is not telling us what to do anymore (never has). You know what still isn't necessary evil, even in this book? The fucking famine!

⁸ "So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt. ⁹ Now hurry back to my father and say to him, 'This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don't delay. ¹⁰ You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. ¹¹ I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.'

If he was basically the ruler of Egypt, I'm even more surprised his brothers hadn't heard of his name. So I don't know if that was the plan from the beginning or if Joseph changed his idea, but he should have just told the truth earlier.

¹² "You can see for yourselves, and so can my brother Benjamin, that it is really I who am speaking to you. ¹³ Tell my father about all the honor accorded me in Egypt and about everything you have seen. And bring my father down here quickly."

This verse just begs the question: "Why didn't they recognize him earlier?"

¹⁴ Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. ¹⁵ And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him.

People are crying even more than in Spider-Man 2!

¹⁶ When the news reached Pharaoh's palace that Joseph's brothers had come, Pharaoh and all his officials were pleased. ¹⁷ Pharaoh said to Joseph, "Tell your brothers, 'Do this: Load your animals and return to the land of Canaan, ¹⁸ and bring your father and your families back to me. I will give you the best of the land of Egypt and you can enjoy the fat of the land.'

Well, you see, Joseph had pretty much made this decision for you already.

¹⁹ "You are also directed to tell them, 'Do this: Take some carts from Egypt for your children and your wives, and get your father and come. ²⁰ Never mind about your belongings, because the best of all Egypt will be yours.' "

Oh, I thought Joseph wanted them to bring all they had. Oh well...

²¹ So the sons of Israel did this. Joseph gave them carts, as Pharaoh had commanded, and he also gave them provisions for their journey. ²² To each of them he gave new clothing, but to Benjamin he gave three hundred shekels ^[b] of silver and five sets of clothes. ²³ And this is what he sent to his father: ten donkeys loaded with the best things of Egypt, and ten female donkeys loaded with grain and bread and other provisions for his journey. ²⁴ Then he sent his brothers away, and as they were leaving he said to them, "Don't quarrel on the way!"

Pharaoh is really being nice with these people. He and his people can't be the reason why God decided to put the whole world under famine. We still don't know for sure why that happened. I know I'm not talking about the last paragraph itself much, but I'm tired to letting things like that pass by without thinking twice about them. In fact, it seems like these filler verses are here to make you forget about the important things which aren't explained in the book.

²⁵ So they went up out of Egypt and came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan. ²⁶ They told him, "Joseph is still alive! In fact, he is ruler of all Egypt." Jacob was stunned; he did not believe them. ²⁷ But when they told him everything Joseph had said to them, and when he saw the carts Joseph had sent to carry him back, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. ²⁸ And Israel said, "I'm convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die."

Say what you will, Israel/Jacob is convinced less easily than believers. He actually has to see stuff before making up his mind.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 45:7 Or save you as a great band of survivors
b. Genesis 45:22 That is, about 7 1/2 pounds (about 3.5 kilograms)

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 44

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 44

A Silver Cup in a Sack

¹ Now Joseph gave these instructions to the steward of his house: "Fill the men's sacks with as much food as they can carry, and put each man's silver in the mouth of his sack. ² Then put my cup, the silver one, in the mouth of the youngest one's sack, along with the silver for his grain." And he did as Joseph said.

Joseph, the world's first pedophile! I'm kidding folks!

³ As morning dawned, the men were sent on their way with their donkeys. ⁴ They had not gone far from the city when Joseph said to his steward, "Go after those men at once, and when you catch up with them, say to them, 'Why have you repaid good with evil? ⁵ Isn't this the cup my master drinks from and also uses for divination? This is a wicked thing you have done.' "

I'm really getting tired of this. How many chapters can we spend on basically the same thing in the same environment with the same character? Why is Joseph playing so many tricks on these guys? Just kill them for what they did to you or forgive them and let them walk. "Isn't this the cup my master drinks from and also uses for divination?": what the fuck?

⁶ When he caught up with them, he repeated these words to them. ⁷ But they said to him, "Why does my lord say such things? Far be it from your servants to do anything like that! ⁸ We even brought back to you from the land of Canaan the silver we found inside the mouths of our sacks. So why would we steal silver or gold from your master's house? ⁹ If any of your servants is found to have it, he will die; and the rest of us will become my lord's slaves."

This is not the only time this will apply in the Bible, but here goes: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.)

¹⁰ "Very well, then," he said, "let it be as you say. Whoever is found to have it will become my slave; the rest of you will be free from blame."

But that's practically the opposite of what they said. They said to kill the one who'd have it and makes slaves of the others, because they're confident that they haven't stole it and so there would be no consequences. He's saying that all of them shall go except the one who stole it, which will be a slave.

¹¹ Each of them quickly lowered his sack to the ground and opened it. ¹² Then the steward proceeded to search, beginning with the oldest and ending with the youngest. And the cup was found in Benjamin's sack. ¹³ At this, they tore their clothes. Then they all loaded their donkeys and returned to the city.

So this was all a plan to kidnap Benjamin from Joseph's father. I hope the story gets better, because it just makes Joseph evil by not telling the truth and worrying his old father. (And one has to hope he won't make a real slave out of Benjamin.)

¹⁴ Joseph was still in the house when Judah and his brothers came in, and they threw themselves to the ground before him. ¹⁵ Joseph said to them, "What is this you have done? Don't you know that a man like me can find things out by divination?"

Yeah, you are quite the bullshitter (hey for real I mean, because we know he's not using divination, just cheap tricks. That's why I told you to beware of clairvoyants and the likes in the real world, because what they do will seem as real to you as what Joseph is doing to his brothers in this story.) Anyway, they probably didn't know of your powers and since you did not have your divination cup with you, no they shouldn't have had to worry with that.

¹⁶ "What can we say to my lord?" Judah replied. "What can we say? How can we prove our innocence? God has uncovered your servants' guilt. We are now my lord's slaves—we ourselves and the one who was found to have the cup."

Oh so now they all want to be slaves, not get anyone killed? This deal just keeps changing every other line or so.

¹⁷ But Joseph said, "Far be it from me to do such a thing! Only the man who was found to have the cup will become my slave. The rest of you, go back to your father in peace."

And it's back to only one slave and the others walk free. In real life, Joseph would be the less subtle "police trying to put fake evidence in an innocent's place" I'd have ever seen in my life.

¹⁸ Then Judah went up to him and said: "Please, my lord, let your servant speak a word to my lord. Do not be angry with your servant, though you are equal to Pharaoh himself. ¹⁹ My lord asked his servants, 'Do you have a father or a brother?' ²⁰ And we answered, 'We have an aged father, and there is a young son born to him in his old age. His brother is dead, and he is the only one of his mother's sons left, and his father loves him.'

Yeah, that's why I'm saying Joseph is evil if he really wants to steal Benjamin from his father.

²¹ "Then you said to your servants, 'Bring him down to me so I can see him for myself.' ²² And we said to my lord, 'The boy cannot leave his father; if he leaves him, his father will die.' ²³ But you told your servants, 'Unless your youngest brother comes down with you, you will not see my face again.' ²⁴ When we went back to your servant my father, we told him what my lord had said.

OK, no need to recap the whole story though.

²⁵ "Then our father said, 'Go back and buy a little more food.' ²⁶ But we said, 'We cannot go down. Only if our youngest brother is with us will we go. We cannot see the man's face unless our youngest brother is with us.'

Normally, we would call this piece of dialogue "exposition". The worst part being that we've already seen the facts in real time as they happened before, so this is "exposition" for something that has already been... exposed.

²⁷ "Your servant my father said to us, 'You know that my wife bore me two sons. ²⁸ One of them went away from me, and I said, "He has surely been torn to pieces." And I have not seen him since. ²⁹ If you take this one from me too and harm comes to him, you will bring my gray head down to the grave ^[a] in misery.'

Booooriiiing!!

³⁰ "So now, if the boy is not with us when I go back to your servant my father and if my father, whose life is closely bound up with the boy's life, ³¹ sees that the boy isn't there, he will die. Your servants will bring the gray head of our father down to the grave in sorrow. ³² Your servant guaranteed the boy's safety to my father. I said, 'If I do not bring him back to you, I will bear the blame before you, my father, all my life!'

Still better than Reuben's deal to get his children killed.

³³ "Now then, please let your servant remain here as my lord's slave in place of the boy, and let the boy return with his brothers. ³⁴ How can I go back to my father if the boy is not with me? No! Do not let me see the misery that would come upon my father."

You're just a chicken! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheeeep! (Now go watch The Room if you have no idea of where this reference came from. I also swear I'm not getting paid by these third parties to promote their shit!)

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 44:29 Hebrew Sheol ; also in verse 31

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 43

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 43

The Second Journey to Egypt

¹ Now the famine was still severe in the land. ² So when they had eaten all the grain they had brought from Egypt, their father said to them, "Go back and buy us a little more food."

Their father is becoming godlike. By that I mean he's beginning to forget important details.

³ But Judah said to him, "The man warned us solemnly, 'You will not see my face again unless your brother is with you.' ⁴ If you will send our brother along with us, we will go down and buy food for you. ⁵ But if you will not send him, we will not go down, because the man said to us, 'You will not see my face again unless your brother is with you.' "

I guess Joseph must be beginning to regret his choice of not telling them who he was. He was probably sure that they'd come back in the next few days, but he had to wait until they ate all he gave them. (Hey, come to think of it, had there been no lies from the beginning, they could have told their father that Joseph was still alive and that he wanted to see his little brother. And it would have been easier to believe than to rely on the fact that they wouldn't recognize him.)

⁶ Israel asked, "Why did you bring this trouble on me by telling the man you had another brother?"

That is a good question though. Being who he is, he would have known anyway, but they didn't know who he was, so they should have hidden details like that.

⁷ They replied, "The man questioned us closely about ourselves and our family. 'Is your father still living?' he asked us. 'Do you have another brother?' We simply answered his questions. How were we to know he would say, 'Bring your brother down here'?"

And they didn't get that the man was their brother? It's like me asking my brother: "Hey, is mom still OK?" If my face wasn't enough for him to recognize me, I think details like that would send him on the right way. But of course not, as my brother suffers from severe mental illnesses... (Yeah for real, sadly. But he's not violent, that's good.)

⁸ Then Judah said to Israel his father, "Send the boy along with me and we will go at once, so that we and you and our children may live and not die. ⁹ I myself will guarantee his safety; you can hold me personally responsible for him. If I do not bring him back to you and set him here before you, I will bear the blame before you all my life. ¹⁰ As it is, if we had not delayed, we could have gone and returned twice."

But Reuben even promised his children's lives before and that didn't work. So do you seriously think a weak compromise like that will change the man's mind?

¹¹ Then their father Israel said to them, "If it must be, then do this: Put some of the best products of the land in your bags and take them down to the man as a gift—a little balm and a little honey, some spices and myrrh, some pistachio nuts and almonds. ¹² Take double the amount of silver with you, for you must return the silver that was put back into the mouths of your sacks. Perhaps it was a mistake. ¹³ Take your brother also and go back to the man at once. ¹⁴ And may God Almighty ^[a] grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you. As for me, if I am bereaved, I am bereaved."

Seems like he actually accepted the request. I'm surprised a little (OK, not really to be honest). "And may God Almighty grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you.": that's right! Where was God all along? He used to be constantly annoying people like Abraham and Isaac.

¹⁵ So the men took the gifts and double the amount of silver, and Benjamin also. They hurried down to Egypt and presented themselves to Joseph. ¹⁶ When Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house, "Take these men to my house, slaughter an animal and prepare dinner; they are to eat with me at noon."

Once again, the steward of this house must find Joseph's behavior pretty strange when he's around those people.

¹⁷ The man did as Joseph told him and took the men to Joseph's house. ¹⁸ Now the men were frightened when they were taken to his house. They thought, "We were brought here because of the silver that was put back into our sacks the first time. He wants to attack us and overpower us and seize us as slaves and take our donkeys."

Don't you get you morons that the silver was in your pouches because he put it back in there? Anyone would have their suspicions at least. Anyone that is not dumb enough to think that the whole thing was done by magic and that God was punishing them.

¹⁹ So they went up to Joseph's steward and spoke to him at the entrance to the house. ²⁰ "Please, sir," they said, "we came down here the first time to buy food. ²¹ But at the place where we stopped for the night we opened our sacks and each of us found his silver—the exact weight—in the mouth of his sack. So we have brought it back with us. ²² We have also brought additional silver with us to buy food. We don't know who put our silver in our sacks."

So they really did find the money before reaching their father's place. Man, this is confusing stuff, and not for the right reasons. It's like you don't have to focus too much on the details, but sometimes you have to.

²³ "It's all right," he said. "Don't be afraid. Your God, the God of your father, has given you treasure in your sacks; I received your silver." Then he brought Simeon out to them.

I still find that very strange when they talk about "Your God" or "the God of your father" in this book. It's almost as if to say: "Oh no, not that God. That one is reserved for the Egyptians. I'm talking about your God, the God of the Hebrews." (What I mean is that many details in the book make me reach the conclusion that it acknowledges there being other gods, but only that one is better. Or maybe it's not even a question of you choosing which one is good for you, but being destined from birth to that God. God chose me type of thing. This is just silly.)

²⁴ The steward took the men into Joseph's house, gave them water to wash their feet and provided fodder for their donkeys. ²⁵ They prepared their gifts for Joseph's arrival at noon, because they had heard that they were to eat there.

They're still not suspecting a thing. That's how you know that all these people are the result of generations of inbreeding.

²⁶ When Joseph came home, they presented to him the gifts they had brought into the house, and they bowed down before him to the ground. ²⁷ He asked them how they were, and then he said, "How is your aged father you told me about? Is he still living?"

He was living the last time you asked about him, which could not have been that long ago (they could have gone and went twice during the time between their two visits according to an earlier verse).

²⁸ They replied, "Your servant our father is still alive and well." And they bowed low to pay him honor.

Doesn't it look like people are actually worshipping a human being instead of a God here?

²⁹ As he looked about and saw his brother Benjamin, his own mother's son, he asked, "Is this your youngest brother, the one you told me about?" And he said, "God be gracious to you, my son." ³⁰ Deeply moved at the sight of his brother, Joseph hurried out and looked for a place to weep. He went into his private room and wept there.

I hope that can raise their doubts about who he really is. The man doesn't seem to be so subtle now.

³¹ After he had washed his face, he came out and, controlling himself, said, "Serve the food."

I can't imagine the questions that might be going through their heads. The guy who's supposed to give them food for the famine, like he did for many other people, accuses them of being spies for no reason. Then he goes on to capture one of them under the threat of killing them unless they bring back the youngest brother. When they finally give in to his demands, he serves them food with no explanation.

³² They served him by himself, the brothers by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because Egyptians could not eat with Hebrews, for that is detestable to Egyptians. ³³ The men had been seated before him in the order of their ages, from the firstborn to the youngest; and they looked at each other in astonishment. ³⁴ When portions were served to them from Joseph's table, Benjamin's portion was five times as much as anyone else's. So they feasted and drank freely with him.

"They served him by himself, the brothers by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because Egyptians could not eat with Hebrews, for that is detestable to Egyptians.": would that be racism in our "holy book"? Makes the pledge of allegiance in the United States more ironic "one nation under God, indivisible". "When portions were served to them from Joseph's table, Benjamin's portion was five times as much as anyone else's.": wait, I know this story. When the boy is fattened up enough, the witch eats him.

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 43:14 Hebrew El-Shaddai

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Genesis 42

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Genesis 42

Joseph's Brothers Go to Egypt

¹ When Jacob learned that there was grain in Egypt, he said to his sons, "Why do you just keep looking at each other?" ² He continued, "I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy some for us, so that we may live and not die."

Seems like a good option, I've got to admit.

³ Then ten of Joseph's brothers went down to buy grain from Egypt. ⁴ But Jacob did not send Benjamin, Joseph's brother, with the others, because he was afraid that harm might come to him. ⁵ So Israel's sons were among those who went to buy grain, for the famine was in the land of Canaan also.

Jacob or Israel? Make up your damn mind! And of course the famine is in the land of Canaan, it's not like you have to give me the details on that. I already know the famine is all over the world.

⁶ Now Joseph was the governor of the land, the one who sold grain to all its people. So when Joseph's brothers arrived, they bowed down to him with their faces to the ground. ⁷ As soon as Joseph saw his brothers, he recognized them, but he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them. "Where do you come from?" he asked.
"From the land of Canaan," they replied, "to buy food."

Now Joseph's earliest dream is happening. How is that possible if that isn't true? Well maybe because this book is a work of fiction and you can write anything you want in those.

⁸ Although Joseph recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him. ⁹ Then he remembered his dreams about them and said to them, "You are spies! You have come to see where our land is unprotected."

How the fuck aren't they recognizing him? They know he's not dead. They knew he's somewhere in these lands. They probably even know that the guy in front of them is called Joseph if they're trying to buy food from him.

¹⁰ "No, my lord," they answered. "Your servants have come to buy food. ¹¹ We are all the sons of one man. Your servants are honest men, not spies."

In our real world, what Joseph had just done to them is an accusation not backed up by proof. You're not allowed to do that you know.

¹² "No!" he said to them. "You have come to see where our land is unprotected."

Nobody is suspecting that something is going on with Joseph? Does he frequently make these accusations?

¹³ But they replied, "Your servants were twelve brothers, the sons of one man, who lives in the land of Canaan. The youngest is now with our father, and one is no more."

Can't wait to see what's in store for them next...

¹⁴ Joseph said to them, "It is just as I told you: You are spies! ¹⁵ And this is how you will be tested: As surely as Pharaoh lives, you will not leave this place unless your youngest brother comes here. ¹⁶ Send one of your number to get your brother; the rest of you will be kept in prison, so that your words may be tested to see if you are telling the truth. If you are not, then as surely as Pharaoh lives, you are spies!" ¹⁷ And he put them all in custody for three days.

Is Joseph just doing that because he wants to see his youngest brother or out of revenge? I don't know, but I know the Bible gives some importance to vengeance usually, unlike what your good Christian friends might tell you that vengeance is bad and serves no purpose. Finally, is the Bible finding a new obsession with the number 3?

¹⁸ On the third day, Joseph said to them, "Do this and you will live, for I fear God: ¹⁹ If you are honest men, let one of your brothers stay here in prison, while the rest of you go and take grain back for your starving households. ²⁰ But you must bring your youngest brother to me, so that your words may be verified and that you may not die." This they proceeded to do.

Seriously they were ready to kill him before and they finally sold him as a slave. How can he expect them not to leave one of their brothers in prison to die and never come back? Of course, they'll come back since it's this book and not something actually well written.

²¹ They said to one another, "Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that's why this distress has come upon us."

Hey, nothing magical here guys. The man IS your brother; he's the one punishing you. It's quite natural actually. I still don't get how you would not recognize him, not a single one of you.

²² Reuben replied, "Didn't I tell you not to sin against the boy? But you wouldn't listen! Now we must give an accounting for his blood." ²³ They did not realize that Joseph could understand them, since he was using an interpreter.

Well no matter what he does, they didn't even recognize him to begin with. It's almost as if this story was forced to work by making the characters dumber than they could actually be.

²⁴ He turned away from them and began to weep, but then turned back and spoke to them again. He had Simeon taken from them and bound before their eyes.

What's funny is that he finds this sad, yet it seems like it was always his destiny according to his earliest dream. It's like some Christians who are angry with Jews which they accuse of having killed their savior Jesus Christ, yet they think it was destined to be and necessary for people to be saved.

²⁵ Joseph gave orders to fill their bags with grain, to put each man's silver back in his sack, and to give them provisions for their journey. After this was done for them, ²⁶ they loaded their grain on their donkeys and left.

Once again, I'm stunned that nobody in Pharaoh's administration suspect that something is going on between Joseph and these guys.

²⁷ At the place where they stopped for the night one of them opened his sack to get feed for his donkey, and he saw his silver in the mouth of his sack. ²⁸ "My silver has been returned," he said to his brothers. "Here it is in my sack."
Their hearts sank and they turned to each other trembling and said, "What is this that God has done to us?"

In a way, this passage is more about criticizing people of faith than anything else. I know it's strange, but listen to me. You see how they always think that God has punished them, attributing something magical to the situation because they don't have all the details (such as the guy was actually Joseph and he's the one playing all these tricks on them). It's just like these hardcore Christians always attributing God to everything mysterious, good or bad, which happens. Maybe they just don't know all the details.

²⁹ When they came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan, they told him all that had happened to them. They said, ³⁰ "The man who is lord over the land spoke harshly to us and treated us as though we were spying on the land. ³¹ But we said to him, 'We are honest men; we are not spies. ³² We were twelve brothers, sons of one father. One is no more, and the youngest is now with our father in Canaan.'

If the verse had just said: "And they told him what happened." I'd have been more satisfied than hearing the same story over and over again.

³³ "Then the man who is lord over the land said to us, 'This is how I will know whether you are honest men: Leave one of your brothers here with me, and take food for your starving households and go. ³⁴ But bring your youngest brother to me so I will know that you are not spies but honest men. Then I will give your brother back to you, and you can trade ^[a] in the land.' "

I can't believe they still don't know it was Joseph all along.

³⁵ As they were emptying their sacks, there in each man's sack was his pouch of silver! When they and their father saw the money pouches, they were frightened. ³⁶ Their father Jacob said to them, "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me!"

"When they and their father saw the money pouches, they were frightened.": but they've already seen the money pouches earlier or at least one of them. What I'm saying is that they should not be that surprised a second time, unless it's a mistake and one of these verses wasn't supposed to be in the book. "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin.": OK, from the perspective of the reader, we know that all is their fault. But the guy or guys who wrote this story should know better. Jacob/Israel is not omniscient and shouldn't know these details, so why is he angry at them in particular? If you want my advice, I just think it's possible that the verse is badly written and that they basically fucked up.

³⁷ Then Reuben said to his father, "You may put both of my sons to death if I do not bring him back to you. Entrust him to my care, and I will bring him back."

Don't say something like that. Have you forgotten you're in the Bible? The worst could happen and most probably would happen.

³⁸ But Jacob said, "My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave ^[b] in sorrow."

Jacob has spoken and he has chosen his favorite among the brothers. Simeon shall be terminated! The way I see it, when a supposedly good guy, chosen by the LORD, lies, he gets away with it just fine (think about Isaac who told to Abimelech that Rebekah was his sister for example). When bad guys, not chosen by the LORD, lie, they don't get what they wanted (like this situation here, with these brothers never informing their father that Joseph was alive, now facing the decision of their father to not follow in with the terrorist's demands and risking the life of their other brother Simeon over nothing).

Footnotes:

a. Genesis 42:34 Or move about freely
b. Genesis 42:38 Hebrew Sheol