An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 23

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 23

Laws of Justice and Mercy

¹ "Do not spread false reports. Do not help a wicked man by being a malicious witness.

So this is definitely a "don't lie" commandment (by the way, lots of commandments to follow for people that God himself recognizes as weak and evil). How many good men and prophets have lied so far? Just about every single one of them from the very beginning of the book, including Jacob who was basically rewarded for lying. I mean Moses himself is alive right at this point in the book, receiving these laws because people lied for him at his birth.

² "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. When you give testimony in a lawsuit, do not pervert justice by siding with the crowd, ³ and do not show favoritism to a poor man in his lawsuit.

Wow that's good advice (though it is basically "don't lie" once again). Now follow this advice to the rule and don't follow this book just because so many people choose it, if you know it's wrong.

⁴ "If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to take it back to him. ⁵ If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help him with it.

That's one case of pre-Jesus compassion, which is kinda odd considering how evil the LORD has been until then. Anyway, helping your enemy is not always a good idea and it should not be a commandment, but it's not bad advice per se.

⁶ "Do not deny justice to your poor people in their lawsuits. ⁷ Have nothing to do with a false charge and do not put an innocent or honest person to death, for I will not acquit the guilty.

How about not letting them put the innocent to death. Why would you let them go so far without doing anything? But basically once again not bad advice; the LORD should follow his own advices, because if we take Pharaoh's case for instance, he was hardening his hearth artificially so that he could make an "innocent" man suffer in the end. (Well not innocent, but not guilty of everything.)

⁸ "Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the righteous.

Well well well, the LORD has been giving a couple of good advices so far in this chapter. He might suck at being nice most of the time, but here he knows what he's talking about. Strangely, this is something a human could come to by rational thinking too.

⁹ "Do not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens, because you were aliens in Egypt.

He's repeating himself from last chapter, but that's not bad advice. I hate racism and intolerance (making me intolerant of intolerance). I'll repeat what I said earlier though, why not point out here by the way that slavery is wrong for they have known what it was and it was not desirable? Probably because it was written by humans (not a god) and at the time they were not ready to go that far to be kind. After all, owning slaves is helpful for the slave owner. Immoral, but helpful.

Sabbath Laws

¹⁰ "For six years you are to sow your fields and harvest the crops, ¹¹ but during the seventh year let the land lie unplowed and unused. Then the poor among your people may get food from it, and the wild animals may eat what they leave. Do the same with your vineyard and your olive grove.

That's when he starts to give bad advice, when he's doing these symbolic unexplained things, obsessing with the number 7 for some arbitrary reason and forcing people to do something without a reason. I mean I just don't get why you should ALWAYS do that each 7 years, why not give something to the poor from time to time or find another solution, but not this absolute commandment.

¹² "Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest and the slave born in your household, and the alien as well, may be refreshed.

That looks like a good reason. I'm opposed to forcing people to not work on a particular day of the week, but I agree that everyone should be granted the right to rest from time to time (by the way, please God say don't own a slave). It's something we tend to agree on and it's not a god-given right by any means. We just like it that way and someone can rationalize in a work environment for example that the employee will work better if he gets to rest one day a week and it's better for a company or something like that. In fact 2 days of rest a week are given where I live.

¹³ "Be careful to do everything I have said to you. Do not invoke the names of other gods; do not let them be heard on your lips.

OK that one is particularly bad. Be a robot, follow my authority, you don't need a reason other than I made you bitch! And why would people invoke the names of other gods if there's just one God? I guess it's not that clear to people or maybe there really were other gods. Of course I don't believe in any of these, so... And I hate thought crime once again. I said earlier that God could punish thought crime in the case of murderers or people about to do bad things, because he absolutely knows they're really going to act on their thoughts, but just saying the names of other gods, I don't see how that's so bad and deserves punishment.

The Three Annual Festivals

¹⁴ "Three times a year you are to celebrate a festival to me.

Oh, not seven? The whole concept of this perfect being who still has needs is just ridiculous.

¹⁵ "Celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread; for seven days eat bread made without yeast, as I commanded you. Do this at the appointed time in the month of Abib, for in that month you came out of Egypt.
"No one is to appear before me empty-handed.

This is purely symbolic. The only reason I can see behind this is not that a real God asked for it. It's that God really doesn't exist and a human wrote this passage so that the idea would still be implemented in people's heads. Even if something doesn't exist, if you're forced to worship it three times a year it might become natural and you might assume there's a reason for your actions, so a God must exist. Of course I can't say that's the case for sure, but it's not impossible and it certainly makes more sense than a perfect being with needs.

¹⁶ "Celebrate the Feast of Harvest with the firstfruits of the crops you sow in your field.
"Celebrate the Feast of Ingathering at the end of the year, when you gather in your crops from the field.

But I can't argue too much with celebration, because there's nothing bad about celebrating. It's even better when you're celebrating something true or a good concept like it's good to be alive, it's good to spend time with people you like, things like that.

¹⁷ "Three times a year all the men are to appear before the Sovereign LORD.

So I can actually meet the guy? Because I'm a man, so he has no reasons not to show himself to me according to this verse. I should see him three times a year. Never saw him before though, strange... I'd like to know what this meeting is about too, but somewhat I've been excluded for the past 23 years. Hmm, I'm not circumcised, maybe that's the problem.

¹⁸ "Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast.
"The fat of my festival offerings must not be kept until morning.

I'm beginning to think God is some kind of monster with a strange digestive system or some severe allergies.

¹⁹ "Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God.
"Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk.

"Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk.": WTF¹⁰

God's Angel to Prepare the Way

²⁰ "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. ²¹ Pay attention to him and listen to what he says. Do not rebel against him; he will not forgive your rebellion, since my Name is in him. ²² If you listen carefully to what he says and do all that I say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and will oppose those who oppose you. ²³ My angel will go ahead of you and bring you into the land of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites, and I will wipe them out. ²⁴ Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices. You must demolish them and break their sacred stones to pieces. ²⁵ Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, ²⁶ and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.

"Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices. You must demolish them and break their sacred stones to pieces.": OK, nobody will disagree with me on this one. This is the Jewish version of "kill the infidels". "I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.": another promise he never kept. I mean no matter how devout you are to this God, you can get sick at any time, die at any age and there are good sterile religious people for sure.

²⁷ "I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. ²⁸ I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. ²⁹ But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. ³⁰ Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

OK so God can do anything and drive the enemies away, but he couldn't help his people take care of the wild animals? This looks more to me like a natural fight then. Doing it slow, preparing your attack and an army before successfully taking possession of the land. I'm sure they attributed their victory to God afterwards, but this verse stills looks just like an excuse for explaining why God couldn't do magic basically and everything seems so natural in their process of taking possession of a territory.

³¹ "I will establish your borders from the Red Sea ^[a] to the Sea of the Philistines, ^[b] and from the desert to the River. ^[c] I will hand over to you the people who live in the land and you will drive them out before you. ³² Do not make a covenant with them or with their gods. ³³ Do not let them live in your land, or they will cause you to sin against me, because the worship of their gods will certainly be a snare to you."

You know what, if what these other people are worshipping and what they're doing is so tempting, maybe these people following the LORD are on the wrong side. Maybe they just picked up the most boring God of them all (because I'm sure this book is written implying there are lots of gods, not just one). Anyway, real beliefs should survive scrutiny and exposure to bad stuff. I mean I can't make you an atheist if you're sure your beliefs are true, can I? And it's not like God isn't tempting humans with all kinds of shit to sin all the time according to his version of what a sin is. He's the guy who put ignorant beings in a garden with a beautiful tree they were not allowed to eat of its fruits.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 23:31 Hebrew Yam Suph; that is, Sea of Reeds
b. Exodus 23:31 That is, the Mediterranean
c. Exodus 23:31 That is, the Euphrates

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 22

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 22

Protection of Property

¹ "If a man steals an ox or a sheep and slaughters it or sells it, he must pay back five head of cattle for the ox and four sheep for the sheep.

The payback seems rather arbitrary, but it's not too bad a law overall. Except that it doesn't apply all that much in today's world.

² "If a thief is caught breaking in and is struck so that he dies, the defender is not guilty of bloodshed; ³ but if it happens ^[a] after sunrise, he is guilty of bloodshed.
"A thief must certainly make restitution, but if he has nothing, he must be sold to pay for his theft.

But you know, when there's a thief in your house and you catch him in the middle of his act, he starts with a disadvantage. The guy is the one infiltrating your house, trying to take your stuff against your will and you just don't know if he's going to hurt you or your family. I'm not saying for instance that policemen who shoot a criminal too quickly are always innocent, but I'm not going to pity too much a guy who comes at you with a gun, he's the one starting with the disadvantage of being considered the bad guy in that situation. All I'm saying is that sometimes, even after sunrise, you could accidentally panic and kill the thief or he could be uncooperative. And the alternative is not too good either. God is once again endorsing slavery. I don't know about you, but I would consider prison and slavery somewhat similar in a way; but the whole act of a single PERSON OWNING A HUMAN BEING seems less moral even if we're talking about a thief here. Also of note is the fact that maybe the thief is a thief because he doesn't have anything (not always, but in some cases), so there are chances that he might have really been in a bad situation and tried to steal something to feed his family. Should he be a slave for that? (And yes I talked about maybe accidentally shooting the guy, that's something else, but if you don't panic and he clearly doesn't try to harm you and you talk with him after that, you might come to realize that selling him as a slave is the worst you could do.)

⁴ "If the stolen animal is found alive in his possession—whether ox or donkey or sheep—he must pay back double.

OK, fine, but what if the guy stole my HDTV. Let's face it, it's just more likely in this day and age.

⁵ "If a man grazes his livestock in a field or vineyard and lets them stray and they graze in another man's field, he must make restitution from the best of his own field or vineyard.

Kinda like if my dumbass kid (which I don't have one by the way) breaks something in a store, I'm likely to have to pay for it. This is not too bad a law either, but if God himself has to get that specific (and not let humans come up with this very simple logic rule), I certainly hope he can specify more important things.

⁶ "If a fire breaks out and spreads into thornbushes so that it burns shocks of grain or standing grain or the whole field, the one who started the fire must make restitution.

Hey, shit happens. I'm just glad some people have insurances today. Why didn't God suggest anything about that? (Not that insurance companies are that moral, but then neither is God.) But you know, sometimes it's really not someone's fault when a fire starts. In today's world, we can talk about electricity going wild. Even at the time, I guess there were wildfires and maybe sometimes lightning.

⁷ "If a man gives his neighbor silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbor's house, the thief, if he is caught, must pay back double. ⁸ But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges ^[b] to determine whether he has laid his hands on the other man's property. ⁹ In all cases of illegal possession of an ox, a donkey, a sheep, a garment, or any other lost property about which somebody says, 'This is mine,' both parties are to bring their cases before the judges. The one whom the judges declare ^[c] guilty must pay back double to his neighbor.

Once again, not too bad a law. But you know who'd know who was guilty and who was lying every single time, no mistake possible? God. Why is he letting so much power in the hands of the judges who are faulty humans? He must be tired, after all it's not like he has unlimited powers. Oh wait...

¹⁰ "If a man gives a donkey, an ox, a sheep or any other animal to his neighbor for safekeeping and it dies or is injured or is taken away while no one is looking, ¹¹ the issue between them will be settled by the taking of an oath before the LORD that the neighbor did not lay hands on the other person's property. The owner is to accept this, and no restitution is required. ¹² But if the animal was stolen from the neighbor, he must make restitution to the owner. ¹³ If it was torn to pieces by a wild animal, he shall bring in the remains as evidence and he will not be required to pay for the torn animal.

Here I was confusing "is taken away while no one is looking" with "the animal was stolen from the neighbor". Maybe I'm just dumb, but I don't see the difference. And anyway, while this law is not immoral, it gives place to lies, easy lies. (I guess you believers would say that God knows he's lying and will punish him later. Fine, prove it.)

¹⁴ "If a man borrows an animal from his neighbor and it is injured or dies while the owner is not present, he must make restitution. ¹⁵ But if the owner is with the animal, the borrower will not have to pay. If the animal was hired, the money paid for the hire covers the loss.

OK, but technically you could borrow a sick animal without knowing it. Leave town for a couple hours and come back to see the animal in a very poor state. Unlikely, but how do you know he wasn't sick when you borrowed it? Maybe the owner tricked you.

Social Responsibility

¹⁶ "If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. ¹⁷ If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins.

Man, in a time where men didn't want anything to do with women who weren't virgins, her father would be a jerk to refuse to let her marry the guy, especially if she likes him (I guess he was not that bad if he seduced her). I'm not saying he should absolutely let her be with the man, I think this whole virgin thing is a stupid concept from the start. But more than that, let's ask her dammit. Maybe she wants to be with the guy, maybe she doesn't. It's up to her; she's a human being like men!

¹⁸ "Do not allow a sorceress to live.

Wow, I have plenty of things to say, but I'll try to make it short. People, you haven't even proven that there's a God, but now we're talking about witches. I mean, we've never seen any example of a witch really existing outside fiction and if anyone would claim to be a witch, I'm sure we could prove her wrong. Something else, maybe being a witch is not that bad (if it existed) if you don't do bad things you know. And just what is a sorceress or sorcerer, because frankly I can't differentiate it from what Moses did with the help of God.

¹⁹ "Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal must be put to death.

Huh? WTF! On the other hand, I'm sure some farmers happen to be both believers and animal fucker. Now on the topic of killing an animal fucker, I don't know that I would agree. I'm not a vegan. I like animals and having sex with them is bad if they don't agree (and I'm sure they don't most of the time at least) and we should avoid as much harm towards animals as we possibly can. If we find out someone has done that, we should maybe punish that person, make sure they're not around animals anymore, but don't kill them. They have a sick perversion, that's all.

²⁰ "Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the LORD must be destroyed. ^[d]

I'm tired of this book not being clear about the number of gods there are. But on the other hand, that's a stupid law I won't ever break since I in fact don't sacrifice to any other god.

²¹ "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him, for you were aliens in Egypt.

Here, take that racist people! But here would have been a good opportunity to say "Do not treat your fellow man as a slave, for you were slaves too."

²² "Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. ²³ If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. ²⁴ My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.

I'd like it better if God could somewhat intervene before any harm is done rather than waiting for the guy to do his whole thing with the widow or orphan, whatever it is, and then punishing him. I'm against thought crime, because even if we had a way to know what you're thinking, it doesn't mean you're going to do it. God is something else though, because he knows.

²⁵ "If you lend money to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a moneylender; charge him no interest. ^{[e] 26} If you take your neighbor's cloak as a pledge, return it to him by sunset, ²⁷ because his cloak is the only covering he has for his body. What else will he sleep in? When he cries out to me, I will hear, for I am compassionate.

But if he doesn't pay you back eventually, break his legs, because I'm not THAT compassionate.

²⁸ "Do not blaspheme God ^[f] or curse the ruler of your people.

Goddamn the Canadian prime minister is dumb. I curse him and fuck God too! But seriously, I would not have too many reasons to curse my ruler compared to people in some other countries. Are they bound by this law too?

²⁹ "Do not hold back offerings from your granaries or your vats. ^[g]
"You must give me the firstborn of your sons. ³⁰ Do the same with your cattle and your sheep. Let them stay with their mothers for seven days, but give them to me on the eighth day.

Wh-wh-what!? Offer your firstborn as a sacrifice to the LORD? I know nobody does that anymore, well almost nobody. The point is no matter whether you do it or not, that's a law that the same God many people believe in once gave to his people and arguably the law was not meant to be abandoned someday. That the guy you worship people. I mean with Isaac, even if the LORD decided otherwise, it was already telling that a believer (Abraham) thought God could be one to give this kind of law, but now there's no denying it. And once again there's this obsession with the number 7, but it's particularly cruel since the mother will get to know her child a little bit and lose it.

³¹ "You are to be my holy people. So do not eat the meat of an animal torn by wild beasts; throw it to the dogs.

I just don't get the connection. You are my holy people, so don't eat meat from an animal that wasn't killed by you. Not a lot to criticize compared to the rest, but I still don't get it.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 22:3 Or if he strikes him
b. Exodus 22:8 Or before God ; also in verse
c. Exodus 22:9 Or whom God declares
d. Exodus 22:20 The Hebrew term refers to the irrevocable giving over of things or persons to the LORD, often by totally destroying them.
e. Exodus 22:25 Or excessive interest
f. Exodus 22:28 Or Do not revile the judges
g. Exodus 22:29 The meaning of the Hebrew for this phrase is uncertain.

An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 21

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 21

¹ "These are the laws you are to set before them:

Well you can never have too many laws (if only he would explain why each law is made instead of just giving them). I hope these are good.

Hebrew Servants

² "If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. ³ If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. ⁴ If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free.

"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years.": how about don't buy a Hebrew servant. Not if, but don't. "If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. "If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free.": wow that's evil! I'm beginning to notice a loophole here, we'll see if it gets worse. But seriously, how about don't own a servant?

⁵ "But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' ⁶ then his master must take him before the judges. ^[a] He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

Yep, more evil again! What if the servant loves his wife and children, but not his master? That's an incredibly huge loophole that anyone who'd buy a servant would exploit, unless he has some kind of moral, but then again if he believes God is okay with that he might believe it's moral to exploit.

⁷ "If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do. ⁸ If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, ^[b] he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. ⁹ If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. ¹⁰ If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. ¹¹ If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do.": great, that's God speaking directly by the way, not some human making laws. God is telling you how to sell your daughter as a slave if you want and the conditions for her liberty are not the same as men, of course. "If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed.": of course, she's still only property to be bought. "If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter.": I can just imagine the poor girl, who has no say in this, being sold by her father to a stranger, sleeping with him and not satisfying him, then that guy gives her to his son whom she'll also have to sleep with against her will, and she can't do anything about it. I understand humans are evil sometimes, but that's God speaking now. "If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.": polygamy! Cool! Except for that whole providing stuff to your first wife thing... but here it's said you can forget to do those things and just kick her out of the house, with no money, so that's good for you! It's absolutely horrible for her, but who cares, she's a woman! And a slave!

Personal Injuries

¹² "Anyone who strikes a man and kills him shall surely be put to death. ¹³ However, if he does not do it intentionally, but God lets it happen, he is to flee to a place I will designate. ¹⁴ But if a man schemes and kills another man deliberately, take him away from my altar and put him to death.

So does that cover self-defense, because there's surely a short while where I'm deliberately planning to kill the person attacking me in that situation. So I see the Ten Commandments were not enough. We needed more laws and precisions (and some might say there are still not enough. If only God would give a reason as to why some things shouldn't be done, we could make laws rationally and not rely on a book. Well that's what I do, so at least I'm rational.) Anyway, as for this one, I'm against the death penalty at least in most cases, but let me not explain that, just like God would. (Hey, what about Cain?)

¹⁵ "Anyone who attacks ^[c] his father or his mother must be put to death.

If the word is supposed to be "kills" instead of "attacks", then this law is useless (unless it means that killing your parents isn't protected either if it's not intentional, which would be evil). But anyway, just attacking your parents (might be cursing too) is not necessarily reason enough for death. You might have this alcoholic father or meth addicted mother who hit you and give you crap all day. You might be defending yourself or just try to show that you can punish them too so they'd better stop or something like that. I have the chance of living with wonderful parents, but this is just not the case for everybody.

¹⁶ "Anyone who kidnaps another and either sells him or still has him when he is caught must be put to death.

"Anyone who kidnaps another and either sells him or still has him when he is caught must be put to death.": so basically if I do a crime and I'm not caught, then I'm not in trouble. (I thought God was everywhere anyway.) But seriously, stealing a human to sell him as a slave is bad. Why not make the whole slavery thing bad from the beginning?

¹⁷ "Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.

Well now we have it, just cursing your parents is enough to be put to death. I thought it was somewhere in this book too. That's fucking evil! I don't know if they mean some kind of magic cursing or just saying something bad about a parent, but anyway the first one doesn't exist and the second one might be warranted. Nobody should be put to death for something he said, not counting that I don't like death penalty anyway.

¹⁸ "If men quarrel and one hits the other with a stone or with his fist ^[d] and he does not die but is confined to bed, ¹⁹ the one who struck the blow will not be held responsible if the other gets up and walks around outside with his staff; however, he must pay the injured man for the loss of his time and see that he is completely healed.

So basically, there's a loophole again in one of God's law. In fact this whole law is a loophole. I could smash someone's head open, maybe nearly kill him, do some permanent damage to his brain or outside appearance, but as long as it doesn't kill him (he might be comatose for a while for all I know), I just have to pay some money. Of course, that might be a lot of money, but I prefer the law that says that I should not get into a fight and smash someone's head open risking getting in prison or something like that. (For all intents and purpose, I'll say that if you start hitting your opponent with a rock, maybe murder is intended.)

²⁰ "If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, ²¹ but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.

That's evil once again and there's another loophole. Punished how by the way? And sometimes it's just hard to establish that an action is a direct result of something you know. There are loopholes there too. And what if the slave gets up in three days? What if I caused him some internal bleeding that would kill him a bit later?

²² "If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely ^[e] but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. ²³ But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, ²⁴ eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, ²⁵ burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.

I hate that eye for eye philosophy, but anyway that's just a very strange law. I don't know how to comment it, except to say that the book doesn't seem to be all that against abortion.

²⁶ "If a man hits a manservant or maidservant in the eye and destroys it, he must let the servant go free to compensate for the eye. ²⁷ And if he knocks out the tooth of a manservant or maidservant, he must let the servant go free to compensate for the tooth.

Oh come one! I can just about kill my own slave and I can't destroy his eye or knock out his tooth? I guess I'll just stick to raping my maidservants then instead of beating my slave, it seems less dangerous that I might lose them.

²⁸ "If a bull gores a man or a woman to death, the bull must be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. But the owner of the bull will not be held responsible. ²⁹ If, however, the bull has had the habit of goring and the owner has been warned but has not kept it penned up and it kills a man or woman, the bull must be stoned and the owner also must be put to death. ³⁰ However, if payment is demanded of him, he may redeem his life by paying whatever is demanded. ³¹ This law also applies if the bull gores a son or daughter. ³² If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels ^[f] of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull must be stoned.

I think I can speak for everyone here when I say: "What?" I just mean what the fuck is up with that law? We really need it? No common sense at all? Oh well... Since we're going as far as to tell people what to do with bulls, why not give them useful laws like don't own a slave?

³³ "If a man uncovers a pit or digs one and fails to cover it and an ox or a donkey falls into it, ³⁴ the owner of the pit must pay for the loss; he must pay its owner, and the dead animal will be his.

And here I was complaining that the last law seemed a bit specific to me, making me wonder why more useful laws are not given. What about this one eh?

³⁵ "If a man's bull injures the bull of another and it dies, they are to sell the live one and divide both the money and the dead animal equally. ³⁶ However, if it was known that the bull had the habit of goring, yet the owner did not keep it penned up, the owner must pay, animal for animal, and the dead animal will be his.

OK, enough with the bulls...

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 21:6 Or before God
b. Exodus 21:8 Or master so that he does not choose her
c. Exodus 21:15 Or kills
d. Exodus 21:18 Or with a tool
e. Exodus 21:22 Or she has a miscarriage
f. Exodus 21:32 That is, about 12 ounces (about 0.3 kilogram)

Super Noah's Ark 3D, a Christian-themed video game

A while ago, I heard about this game for a popular Internet reviewer known as the Angry Video Game Nerd. You should check his stuff; it's quite funny, unless you don't like his frequent use of "bad" words. I also don't suggest you check that or even read the rest of this article if you don't care about video games. This guy reviews bad video games from the past and one of his episodes, for Christmas, was Bible Games, in which he reviews a series of bad unlicensed video games made with a Christian theme by the same Christian developer and publisher. Check the episode here: http://screwattack.com/videos/AVGN-Bible-Games

As an atheist myself, you'd assume I would find any game related to the Bible a "bad" game, but that's not necessarily true as I really like video games and would accept anything as long as it's playable. Many video games have religious references and I don't mind, it's even fun, but these games are just about religion and they're really poorly made, so I obviously don't like them. But the thing is, I've tried most of the games in this video and while bad and incredibly silly, I could play them for a while. Now comes Super Noah's Ark 3D, a game released for the SNES and with a title so ridiculous you can't help but check it out.

In it, you are Noah in his ark during the flood. This is the religious reference any people who believe in this shit should pick up and this is why it was unlicensed since Nintendo of America at the time had a severe policy against anything religious in their video games, among other things (including too much violence and nudity of course). This means the game was only sold at select stores, Christian bookstores mainly, and it was not heavily publicized.

When you actually play it, you see that it isn't worth all that talk since it's just a non-violent first-person shooter, based on Wolfenstein 3D, with an ark skin over it. You are Noah, during the last 6 days of his trip, when all the animals have broken out of their cages (?) and are now on a rampage. You go around feeding them to make them sleep by throwing all kinds of food using different types of slingshots. I don't know for you, but this sounds pretty boring to me. That's because it is.

Being the sick masochist I am, I played it until the end, aiming to find all secrets and get a perfect score. OK, I didn't only do it because I'm sick, but also because that was someone's request on YouTube (I do gameplay videos on YouTube for many games and rarely refuse a request).

Check the results, check my video walkthrough if you want, if this is your kind of thing (I doubt it even if you're a Christian, Jew, Muslim or any person that believes in the flood). The playlist can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=B9805F2CC4C8276A

Below is the first video in that series, take it as a sample to know if you want to watch the rest (the game is mostly the same from beginning to end).