An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 11

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 11

The Plague on the Firstborn

¹ Now the LORD had said to Moses, "I will bring one more plague on Pharaoh and on Egypt. After that, he will let you go from here, and when he does, he will drive you out completely. ² Tell the people that men and women alike are to ask their neighbors for articles of silver and gold." ³ (The LORD made the Egyptians favorably disposed toward the people, and Moses himself was highly regarded in Egypt by Pharaoh's officials and by the people.)

Of course, the guy responsible for plaguing Egypt is highly respected by the people of Egypt, it all makes sense. I guess nobody has any free will when the LORD's around, which is quite funny because I just heard a theist say that his God (which was the Christian God by the way) valued his people's freedom more than anything else.

⁴ So Moses said, "This is what the LORD says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. ⁵ Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. ⁶ There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again. ⁷ But among the Israelites not a dog will bark at any man or animal.' Then you will know that the LORD makes a distinction between Egypt and Israel. ⁸ All these officials of yours will come to me, bowing down before me and saying, 'Go, you and all the people who follow you!' After that I will leave." Then Moses, hot with anger, left Pharaoh.

"Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well.": now that is fucking evil. He did give people chances for other plagues, like stay in your home and you'll be fine or things like that. That was evil too, since the people of Egypt are not responsible for Pharaoh's actions, but I guess they could do something. Now a firstborn is completely helpless and will absolutely die with no chance of getting out of it according to this plague. (Never forget that there's no free will either, it's not like Pharaoh could say: "OK, I'll let you go so don't do that.") Basically, God is attacking innocent people, as always, and that's just plain evil. "Then Moses, hot with anger, left Pharaoh.": clearly, wrath was not yet a deadly sin...

⁹ The LORD had said to Moses, "Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you—so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt." ¹⁰ Moses and Aaron performed all these wonders before Pharaoh, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go out of his country.

There, fucking evil. Is there a way to justify that? Well don't mention it, because I don't want to hear it.