An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 7

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 7

¹ Then the LORD said to Moses, "See, I have made you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet. ² You are to say everything I command you, and your brother Aaron is to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of his country. ³ But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, ⁴ he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Egypt and with mighty acts of judgment I will bring out my divisions, my people the Israelites. ⁵ And the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I stretch out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it."

So basically I could throw out the last 2 chapters or so, because everything is beginning a second time just the same, except that we have more information. Now we know why God hardened Pharaoh's heart (violating his free will by the way), it was to send his armies on him. That's evil, I don't see how else to describe it.

⁶ Moses and Aaron did just as the LORD commanded them. ⁷ Moses was eighty years old and Aaron eighty-three when they spoke to Pharaoh.

That's no age to send a man on a quest to free his people, but then again, 80 is not so old in the Bible.

Aaron's Staff Becomes a Snake

⁸ The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, ⁹ "When Pharaoh says to you, 'Perform a miracle,' then say to Aaron, 'Take your staff and throw it down before Pharaoh,' and it will become a snake."

I said it before, but it's such an odd miracle coming from God.

¹⁰ So Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and did just as the LORD commanded. Aaron threw his staff down in front of Pharaoh and his officials, and it became a snake. ¹¹ Pharaoh then summoned wise men and sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians also did the same things by their secret arts: ¹² Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs. ¹³ Yet Pharaoh's heart became hard and he would not listen to them, just as the LORD had said.

So God's miracle wasn't exclusive to him. I mean, sure his snake swallows the others, but it doesn't mean anything really. All I see here is that humans, with their magic, can create the same miracle as God. And from what we know of the real world now, witches, sorcerers and true magic doesn't exist; so was all that just a cheap trick (like a "fake" magician would do) that God tried and that Pharaoh's magicians replicated?

The Plague of Blood

¹⁴ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Pharaoh's heart is unyielding; he refuses to let the people go. ¹⁵ Go to Pharaoh in the morning as he goes out to the water. Wait on the bank of the Nile to meet him, and take in your hand the staff that was changed into a snake. ¹⁶ Then say to him, 'The LORD, the God of the Hebrews, has sent me to say to you: Let my people go, so that they may worship me in the desert. But until now you have not listened. ¹⁷ This is what the LORD says: By this you will know that I am the LORD : With the staff that is in my hand I will strike the water of the Nile, and it will be changed into blood. ¹⁸ The fish in the Nile will die, and the river will stink; the Egyptians will not be able to drink its water.' "

"Pharaoh's heart is unyielding; he refuses to let the people go.": strange for the LORD to say that when we know that he's the one responsible for hardening Pharaoh's heart. "Go to Pharaoh in the morning as he goes out to the water.": I just wonder how Moses can still walk freely. By now, with all this arrogance, I'd have thought Pharaoh would put him to death, especially since he's the "bad guy" in this story. "The fish in the Nile will die, and the river will stink; the Egyptians will not be able to drink its water.": why kill the fishes and punish innocent people if only Pharaoh is the problem. I might add that he's the problem because of the LORD himself, so really nothing makes sense.

¹⁹ The LORD said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Take your staff and stretch out your hand over the waters of Egypt—over the streams and canals, over the ponds and all the reservoirs'-and they will turn to blood. Blood will be everywhere in Egypt, even in the wooden buckets and stone jars."

Sounds farfetched to me, but then it's God, he should be able to do that if he wants. So I won't complain now that God is actually doing something more than what just seems natural.

²⁰ Moses and Aaron did just as the LORD had commanded. He raised his staff in the presence of Pharaoh and his officials and struck the water of the Nile, and all the water was changed into blood. ²¹ The fish in the Nile died, and the river smelled so bad that the Egyptians could not drink its water. Blood was everywhere in Egypt.

You can thank God for that; I hope his trick can help this time at least, unless it was useless again.

²² But the Egyptian magicians did the same things by their secret arts, and Pharaoh's heart became hard; he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said. ²³ Instead, he turned and went into his palace, and did not take even this to heart. ²⁴ And all the Egyptians dug along the Nile to get drinking water, because they could not drink the water of the river.

With the snakes, I could understand that they'd be able to make more than one (well I don't understand the magic behind it, but it's possible in the context that magic exists I guess), but I don't understand how they turn water to blood when it's already turned to blood. But anyway, how good is that God really if his miracles aren't any better than what man can do? It makes you think...

The Plague of Frogs

²⁵ Seven days passed after the LORD struck the Nile.

Seven. Why seven? Because...