An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 8

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 8

¹ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh and say to him, 'This is what the LORD says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. ² If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs. ³ The Nile will teem with frogs. They will come up into your palace and your bedroom and onto your bed, into the houses of your officials and on your people, and into your ovens and kneading troughs. ⁴ The frogs will go up on you and your people and all your officials.' "

Yeah sure, frogs are so threatening. My guess is that if transforming the whole river of Nile into putrid blood didn't make him flinch, this won't.

⁵ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Stretch out your hand with your staff over the streams and canals and ponds, and make frogs come up on the land of Egypt.' "

You're not obligated to explain every little step of the plan each time. I believe Moses can think for himself.

⁶ So Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt, and the frogs came up and covered the land. ⁷ But the magicians did the same things by their secret arts; they also made frogs come up on the land of Egypt.

You know, I'm beginning to notice a pattern (OK, to be honest I noticed it before). God pulls out magic trick, sorcerers show God how weak he is if he really is the ultimate being by doing exactly the same thing (further damaging their own country, stupid), God thinks about a new tricks.

⁸ Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Pray to the LORD to take the frogs away from me and my people, and I will let your people go to offer sacrifices to the LORD."

Yeah I guess that making frogs appear twice as much was a stupid idea; you can't get rid of them now can you?

⁹ Moses said to Pharaoh, "I leave to you the honor of setting the time for me to pray for you and your officials and your people that you and your houses may be rid of the frogs, except for those that remain in the Nile."

As you know, the sooner the better, so let's not lose any time.

¹⁰ "Tomorrow," Pharaoh said.
Moses replied, "It will be as you say, so that you may know there is no one like the LORD our God. ¹¹ The frogs will leave you and your houses, your officials and your people; they will remain only in the Nile."

"It will be as you say, so that you may know there is no one like the LORD our God.": except for Pharaoh's magicians who can pull just about the same magic tricks.

¹² After Moses and Aaron left Pharaoh, Moses cried out to the LORD about the frogs he had brought on Pharaoh. ¹³ And the LORD did what Moses asked. The frogs died in the houses, in the courtyards and in the fields. ¹⁴ They were piled into heaps, and the land reeked of them. ¹⁵ But when Pharaoh saw that there was relief, he hardened his heart and would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said.

Was this whole story about the frogs intentionally funny? Because it sure is funny either way. And all this time I'm just thinking that Pharaoh as no reason to believe that the LORD truly does exist (since his magicians have the same powers and they're just humans), so he should not fear Moses and would normally kill him in an instant so that he could not make him lose any more time.

The Plague of Gnats

¹⁶ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Stretch out your staff and strike the dust of the ground,' and throughout the land of Egypt the dust will become gnats." ¹⁷ They did this, and when Aaron stretched out his hand with the staff and struck the dust of the ground, gnats came upon men and animals. All the dust throughout the land of Egypt became gnats. ¹⁸ But when the magicians tried to produce gnats by their secret arts, they could not. And the gnats were on men and animals.

You know how many gnats that would make if all the dust in Egypt morphed into them? It's just impossible (don't pull me that nothing is impossible with God bullshit). But all of these tricks have been impossible to do literally as they are written, yet the magicians were able to mimic God's powers. I don't know why they have a more difficult time producing gnats than frogs or than turning all the water in the land into real blood.

¹⁹ The magicians said to Pharaoh, "This is the finger of God." But Pharaoh's heart was hard and he would not listen, just as the LORD had said.

No, what they meant is that God is showing you the finger.

The Plague of Flies

²⁰ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Get up early in the morning and confront Pharaoh as he goes to the water and say to him, 'This is what the LORD says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. ²¹ If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of flies on you and your officials, on your people and into your houses. The houses of the Egyptians will be full of flies, and even the ground where they are.

I bet they will regret the time when all those frogs were killed then.

²² " 'But on that day I will deal differently with the land of Goshen, where my people live; no swarms of flies will be there, so that you will know that I, the LORD, am in this land. ²³ I will make a distinction ^[a] between my people and your people. This miraculous sign will occur tomorrow.' "

So all those tricks he did up until now were also harmful to the Hebrews? Real good God.

²⁴ And the LORD did this. Dense swarms of flies poured into Pharaoh's palace and into the houses of his officials, and throughout Egypt the land was ruined by the flies.

Not that I want this to happen, but notice that we don't see any of these totally supernatural things occur now. My best guess is that if the Bible is based on interpretations of real events (not God's word, that's for sure), then the people must have been impressed by something we would know by now could happen naturally. Of course, their primitive understanding of the world could only attribute these events to some greater force pulling the strings. Maybe there really was a random epidemic of flies around that time (probably exaggerated via second hand interpretation of the events). Maybe that was not random and it was rather caused by their poor hygiene, I don't know, it could be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies.

²⁵ Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Go, sacrifice to your God here in the land."

Yes, because no matter how evil the Egyptians might be by enslaving the Hebrews, God is even more evil by requesting sacrifices all the time.

²⁶ But Moses said, "That would not be right. The sacrifices we offer the LORD our God would be detestable to the Egyptians. And if we offer sacrifices that are detestable in their eyes, will they not stone us? ²⁷ We must take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God, as he commands us."

I understand why making a sacrifice would be detestable to anyone quite frankly, but stone the persons responsible for the sacrifice? That's detestable too. The thing is, if Pharaoh is giving them a special permission to do that, there wouldn't be any stoning now would there? (But I know what you can say; Pharaoh is not to be trusted. Well God is just the same you know.)

²⁸ Pharaoh said, "I will let you go to offer sacrifices to the LORD your God in the desert, but you must not go very far. Now pray for me."

You're not in a position to negotiate much Mr. Pharaoh.

²⁹ Moses answered, "As soon as I leave you, I will pray to the LORD, and tomorrow the flies will leave Pharaoh and his officials and his people. Only be sure that Pharaoh does not act deceitfully again by not letting the people go to offer sacrifices to the LORD."

So the enemy has a history of backstabbing you multiple times, now you have the upper ground, he just kindly asked something not unlike just before he backstabbed you the last time around and what do you do? You do the same thing that allowed him to backstab you the last time! If he does, you deserve it man! (My guess is that Moses doesn't have a speech impediment going on, rather he's mentally ill, which would also explain why he hallucinates God.)

³⁰ Then Moses left Pharaoh and prayed to the LORD, ³¹ and the LORD did what Moses asked: The flies left Pharaoh and his officials and his people; not a fly remained. ³² But this time also Pharaoh hardened his heart and would not let the people go.

So now God, are you regretting choosing that guy as your prophet? I guess not, he's just about as smart as you after all.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 8:23 Septuagint and Vulgate; Hebrew will put a deliverance