An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 19

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 19

At Mount Sinai

¹ In the third month after the Israelites left Egypt—on the very day—they came to the Desert of Sinai. ² After they set out from Rephidim, they entered the Desert of Sinai, and Israel camped there in the desert in front of the mountain.

So is that 40 years to get to Canaan and 3 months to get to Sinai. What am I to understand here?

³ Then Moses went up to God, and the LORD called to him from the mountain and said, "This is what you are to say to the house of Jacob and what you are to tell the people of Israel: ⁴ 'You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. ⁵ Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, ⁶ you ^[a] will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.' These are the words you are to speak to the Israelites."

Once again, why isn't God communicating with his people directly (he CAN)? "Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.": I think from what I've read of the Bible so far, it's been pretty clear on this god's exclusivity with the Hebrews. I expect this to change with Christianism in the New Testament probably, but still this enforces the belief that there were supposed to be individual gods for other nations.

⁷ So Moses went back and summoned the elders of the people and set before them all the words the LORD had commanded him to speak. ⁸ The people all responded together, "We will do everything the LORD has said." So Moses brought their answer back to the LORD.

I don't know why they wouldn't be sold on the idea after all they've seen of God so far. He's been doing miracles left and right, killing tons of people.

⁹ The LORD said to Moses, "I am going to come to you in a dense cloud, so that the people will hear me speaking with you and will always put their trust in you." Then Moses told the LORD what the people had said.

Finally!

¹⁰ And the LORD said to Moses, "Go to the people and consecrate them today and tomorrow. Have them wash their clothes ¹¹ and be ready by the third day, because on that day the LORD will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people. ¹² Put limits for the people around the mountain and tell them, 'Be careful that you do not go up the mountain or touch the foot of it. Whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death. ¹³ He shall surely be stoned or shot with arrows; not a hand is to be laid on him. Whether man or animal, he shall not be permitted to live.' Only when the ram's horn sounds a long blast may they go up to the mountain."

Why? (Though if Moses is not really speaking with a real God and instead doing some magic trick, he wouldn't want the people to go there and discover that he is a false prophet.) "Whether man or animal, he shall not be permitted to live.": oh come one! Man I could understand even if I don't respect the idea of killing someone for such random laws, but animals don't know our rules. They go where they want and you can't reason them.

¹⁴ After Moses had gone down the mountain to the people, he consecrated them, and they washed their clothes. ¹⁵ Then he said to the people, "Prepare yourselves for the third day. Abstain from sexual relations."

Hmm, okay? (The Bible often treats sexual relations separately as if it was some kind of magic thing while we all know it's pretty natural.)

¹⁶ On the morning of the third day there was thunder and lightning, with a thick cloud over the mountain, and a very loud trumpet blast. Everyone in the camp trembled. ¹⁷ Then Moses led the people out of the camp to meet with God, and they stood at the foot of the mountain. ¹⁸ Mount Sinai was covered with smoke, because the LORD descended on it in fire. The smoke billowed up from it like smoke from a furnace, the whole mountain ^[b] trembled violently, ¹⁹ and the sound of the trumpet grew louder and louder. Then Moses spoke and the voice of God answered him. ^[c]

Sounds like a volcano to me. (I don't think God IS a volcano and people have been wrong all this time, but I do think people attributed the name God to several natural things through the years and exaggerated their claims to make them more supernatural. A volcano would be one of those natural things.)

²⁰ The LORD descended to the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top of the mountain. So Moses went up ²¹ and the LORD said to him, "Go down and warn the people so they do not force their way through to see the LORD and many of them perish. ²² Even the priests, who approach the LORD, must consecrate themselves, or the LORD will break out against them."

Of course, people could not go up the mountain if it really was a volcano, but something that comes up once again is how Moses always finds a trick to be God's only good guy. Almost as if he was telling lies in fact and there was no God speaking to him.

²³ Moses said to the LORD, "The people cannot come up Mount Sinai, because you yourself warned us, 'Put limits around the mountain and set it apart as holy.' "

Of course, telling his people that he tried to argue with the LORD makes the lie more believable...

²⁴ The LORD replied, "Go down and bring Aaron up with you. But the priests and the people must not force their way through to come up to the LORD, or he will break out against them."

Aaron is obviously in on the whole thing. OK, I don't know if Moses is really lying, I'm just pointing out that the way this shit is written it would be possible.

²⁵ So Moses went down to the people and told them.

Not God, Moses. I can believe in a human that invented all this and that would actually go down to tell to his people that God spoke with him. In fact, I must believe that someone at some point wrote this book. What I can't believe is that the character of God really exists. At least not this god, given all the contradictions, lack of evidence and evidence to the contrary.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 19:6 Or possession, for the whole earth is mine. 6 You
b. Exodus 19:18 Most Hebrew manuscripts; a few Hebrew manuscripts and Septuagint all the people
c. Exodus 19:19 Or and God answered him with thunder