An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 5

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 5

Bricks Without Straw

¹ Afterward Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the desert.' "

Pharaoh, if he was smart, would answer: "Why does your God need a festival dedicated to him if he's so great? A perfect being shouldn't have any worries, yet he seems to have insecurity issues!"

² Pharaoh said, "Who is the LORD, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the LORD and I will not let Israel go."

That was kind of predictable. Now I'm sure that when they say that he won't let Israel go, they're talking about a whole people, not the guy of the same name right?

³ Then they said, "The God of the Hebrews has met with us. Now let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God, or he may strike us with plagues or with the sword."

Why would God strike you with a sword anyway? But I realize here that Pharaoh is exactly like a rational person without any belief in God and Moses and Aaron sound like the believers. They tell you about this shit and these stupid threats without showing you proof first. Of course, the only difference is that in this book, God is real and will actually manifest himself.

⁴ But the king of Egypt said, "Moses and Aaron, why are you taking the people away from their labor? Get back to your work!" ⁵ Then Pharaoh said, "Look, the people of the land are now numerous, and you are stopping them from working."

We knew that plan wouldn't work, so no surprise there.

⁶ That same day Pharaoh gave this order to the slave drivers and foremen in charge of the people: ⁷ "You are no longer to supply the people with straw for making bricks; let them go and gather their own straw. ⁸ But require them to make the same number of bricks as before; don't reduce the quota. They are lazy; that is why they are crying out, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' ⁹ Make the work harder for the men so that they keep working and pay no attention to lies."

Now that's kind of a stupid plan on Pharaoh's part, because they will just work with less efficiency.

¹⁰ Then the slave drivers and the foremen went out and said to the people, "This is what Pharaoh says: 'I will not give you any more straw. ¹¹ Go and get your own straw wherever you can find it, but your work will not be reduced at all.' " ¹² So the people scattered all over Egypt to gather stubble to use for straw. ¹³ The slave drivers kept pressing them, saying, "Complete the work required of you for each day, just as when you had straw." ¹⁴ The Israelite foremen appointed by Pharaoh's slave drivers were beaten and were asked, "Why didn't you meet your quota of bricks yesterday or today, as before?"

Well, probably because it would be impossible since you thought about this STUPID PLAN that could only result in a loss of efficiency.

¹⁵ Then the Israelite foremen went and appealed to Pharaoh: "Why have you treated your servants this way? ¹⁶ Your servants are given no straw, yet we are told, 'Make bricks!' Your servants are being beaten, but the fault is with your own people."

No logic problem here, I agree with the guy. Having slaves is definitely a bad thing, but beating your slaves is at the same time immoral and very stupid. As long as you have slaves (something which I can't condone), treat them just well enough at least so that they're useful.

¹⁷ Pharaoh said, "Lazy, that's what you are—lazy! That is why you keep saying, 'Let us go and sacrifice to the LORD.' ¹⁸ Now get to work. You will not be given any straw, yet you must produce your full quota of bricks."

Wow, I can't believe a man this stupid is in power. Wait, let me retract that comment. George Bush was elected... TWICE!!

¹⁹ The Israelite foremen realized they were in trouble when they were told, "You are not to reduce the number of bricks required of you for each day." ²⁰ When they left Pharaoh, they found Moses and Aaron waiting to meet them, ²¹ and they said, "May the LORD look upon you and judge you! You have made us a stench to Pharaoh and his officials and have put a sword in their hand to kill us."

That's what happens when you stupid untrue beliefs with the real world. But this book is not the real world, so I can bet everything will work out for the Israelites in the end.

God Promises Deliverance

²² Moses returned to the LORD and said, "O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me? ²³ Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all."

Is that guy dumb or what? Even the LORD himself warned him that the plan would not work, that Pharaoh's heart would be hardened magically so that he would not let the people go and he also told him to say to Pharaoh that his firstborn would be killed if he didn't comply, which neither Moses or Aaron said yet to my knowledge.