An atheist riffs on the Bible (New International Version): Exodus 10

Regular paragraphs are the verses as written in the Bible.
Indented italicized paragraphs feature my comments on the previous paragraph.
Note that I might appear especially nitpicky and I know that some of these verses are not taken literally by everybody; I'm just having some fun basically.
Why the New International Version or NIV? Why not? The Bible has already been translated countless times before and I can't read or speak the original languages in which it was written, which is why it is stupid in the first place to assume that a divine being would communicate with us through a book.

New International Version

Exodus 10

The Plague of Locusts

¹ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials so that I may perform these miraculous signs of mine among them ² that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the LORD."

Oh, now I get it. God even hardened the official's hearts and now we know why from his own words. He does that just to punish everyone in Egypt, because Pharaoh chose to enslave the Hebrews. God even wants to be remembered as the sadist who did that. Pharaoh was definitely wrong in enslaving the Hebrews, don't get me wrong, but you can always count on God to be more evil than any human being could ever be.

³ So Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said to him, "This is what the LORD, the God of the Hebrews, says: 'How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? Let my people go, so that they may worship me. ⁴ If you refuse to let them go, I will bring locusts into your country tomorrow. ⁵ They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields. ⁶ They will fill your houses and those of all your officials and all the Egyptians—something neither your fathers nor your forefathers have ever seen from the day they settled in this land till now.' " Then Moses turned and left Pharaoh.

These passages are beginning to sound useless now that we know that God hardened everyone's heart in Pharaoh's administration. There's just no chance he would comply to Moses' demands and even Moses himself knows that.

⁷ Pharaoh's officials said to him, "How long will this man be a snare to us? Let the people go, so that they may worship the LORD their God. Do you not yet realize that Egypt is ruined?"

Wait, are their hearts hardened or not? If not, then I'm sure in real life he'd get killed by one of his officials for ruining Egypt.

⁸ Then Moses and Aaron were brought back to Pharaoh. "Go, worship the LORD your God," he said. "But just who will be going?"

I'm beginning to wonder how that heart hardening shit works. The way I see it, it either works completely or doesn't. Pharaoh shouldn't be allowing Moses to go right now if his heart was hardened.

⁹ Moses answered, "We will go with our young and old, with our sons and daughters, and with our flocks and herds, because we are to celebrate a festival to the LORD."

Yeah, I never understood a God that always needs people's support, but that's me. I can tell you though, people are doing a lot more for him that he's doing for them.

¹⁰ Pharaoh said, "The LORD be with you—if I let you go, along with your women and children! Clearly you are bent on evil. ^{[a] 11} No! Have only the men go; and worship the LORD, since that's what you have been asking for." Then Moses and Aaron were driven out of Pharaoh's presence.

"Clearly you are bent on evil.": yeah, clearly!

¹² And the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand over Egypt so that locusts will swarm over the land and devour everything growing in the fields, everything left by the hail."

Like I didn't know that was coming.

¹³ So Moses stretched out his staff over Egypt, and the LORD made an east wind blow across the land all that day and all that night. By morning the wind had brought the locusts; ¹⁴ they invaded all Egypt and settled down in every area of the country in great numbers. Never before had there been such a plague of locusts, nor will there ever be again. ¹⁵ They covered all the ground until it was black. They devoured all that was left after the hail—everything growing in the fields and the fruit on the trees. Nothing green remained on tree or plant in all the land of Egypt.

"Never before had there been such a plague of locusts, nor will there ever be again.": of course the will never be again, because that would be a miracle (well not necessarily, but it would be hard to explain THAT MUCH locusts) and there's no way God should prove his existence in our days, even if that means that some people won't believe in him and he'll send them to Hell.

¹⁶ Pharaoh quickly summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "I have sinned against the LORD your God and against you. ¹⁷ Now forgive my sin once more and pray to the LORD your God to take this deadly plague away from me."

People like reading and studying this shit? If you're searching the truth, it's definitely not there. If you're searching for a good read or a good book, this is not it (with all these repeating lines with nearly no surprises at all).

¹⁸ Moses then left Pharaoh and prayed to the LORD. ¹⁹ And the LORD changed the wind to a very strong west wind, which caught up the locusts and carried them into the Red Sea. ^[b] Not a locust was left anywhere in Egypt. ²⁰ But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go.

Of course he hardens his fucking heart, because no sane human being would endure that much suffering without complying with the LORD's demands if it was not for magic. You see, what the LORD, the good God is looking like right now is a police officer leaving false evidence behind so that you'll get in prison even if you're innocent.

The Plague of Darkness

²¹ Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that darkness will spread over Egypt—darkness that can be felt." ²² So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and total darkness covered all Egypt for three days. ²³ No one could see anyone else or leave his place for three days. Yet all the Israelites had light in the places where they lived.

Not your worst plague yet. This is a pretty neat trick (I mean, even at night I can still see people if I'm close enough), but chances are if the previous plagues didn't convince the Egyptians, that one won't. (And of course it won't since the LORD himself is making sure Pharaoh's heart stays hardened.)

²⁴ Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and said, "Go, worship the LORD. Even your women and children may go with you; only leave your flocks and herds behind."

It's beginning to sound not that bad of a deal you know. Don't push your luck Moses.

²⁵ But Moses said, "You must allow us to have sacrifices and burnt offerings to present to the LORD our God. ²⁶ Our livestock too must go with us; not a hoof is to be left behind. We have to use some of them in worshiping the LORD our God, and until we get there we will not know what we are to use to worship the LORD."

So the LORD is beginning to sound like a burden since the only thing that's keeping you from going is him. I don't understand why these sacrifices are necessary. He created them himself, the Supreme Being that he is, and now he needs to smell them burning; what's up with that?

²⁷ But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he was not willing to let them go. ²⁸ Pharaoh said to Moses, "Get out of my sight! Make sure you do not appear before me again! The day you see my face you will die."

Why is the LORD still hardening the man's heart? I think he won by now, so why continue this shit?

²⁹ "Just as you say," Moses replied, "I will never appear before you again."

Yeah, I'm sure of that.

Footnotes:

a. Exodus 10:10 Or Be careful, trouble is in store for you!
b. Exodus 10:19 Hebrew Yam Suph ; that is, Sea of Reeds